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How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward?

He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.

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An Irishman dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter says heaven is really crowded now and if he wants to get in he must first answer 3 questions.

"All right, that's fair. What's the first question?"

St. Peter says, "How many days of the week contain a T?"

The Irishman thinks a while and then says, "6"

St. Peter says "Six. How do you get six?"

The Irishman says "Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, yesterday, today, and tomorrow."

St. Peter says, "OK I'll let you have that one. But the next one is a little bit harder. How many seconds are there in a year."

The Irishman thins a bit more and then says "Twelve."

St. Peter wants to know how he got that. "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc."

St. Peter says "OK I'll let you have that one too. But the last one is really hard. What is God's first name.?"

The Irishman thinks for a long time and finally says, "OK I think I've got that one too. His first name is Andy."

St. Peter is really perplexed at this one. He says to the Irishman, "ANDY. How in the world did you get Andy."

The Irishman says, "From the hymn. 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me"


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An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


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How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward?

He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.


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The Top 15 St. Patrick's Day Toasts

15  May the roadkill rise up to eat you.

14  May you never be as unhappy as a Catholic in Belfast.

13  Hey! You! Wake up and drink this!!

12  May the green of your vomit tomorrow echo the green of your eyes tonight.

11  May your codpiece always be a size too small.

10  Here's shrapnel in yer eye!

9  May the wind always be at yer back... less'n o'course, you're a mime.

8  May the grass grow green in your fields, may the sun shine warmly at your back, and may you be back home in your apartment a half-hour before you start puking your guts out.

7  May you never have to hear that caterwauling lass from The Cranberries screech ever again.

6  Git yer hand off me arse or I'll rip yer head off and puke down yer throat.

5  May Erin go bra'less.

4  May you have the hair of Bono and the balls of Sinead O'Connor.

3  May Pamela Lee fondle your blarney stones.

2  Here's to not trippin' over a Kennedy and the Number 1 St. Patrick's Day Toast...

1  May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.


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What a Priest!

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "


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As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.   Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.  She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.  Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"


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CONFESSION

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.  He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."  The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."  The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"


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Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"


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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."


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Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"


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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."


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The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 


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An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"  "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."


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A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. 
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." 
"You've Thinned?" 
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." 
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." 
"Will that wash away me Thin?" 
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." 


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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"


Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"


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One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!"


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Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"


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It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic Priest!"


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Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be wiling." "Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't me your dog was a catholic!!!?"


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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


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A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the priest.


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Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."


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The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."


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An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman) to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!


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The New Curate

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.  The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.   The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."  The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?'"  The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"


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Father O'Malley is so upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation.  So on the next Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes they've ever set eyes on a ghost?  "To his dismay a lot show their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must.Is there any one in church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said O'conner"Oops Father, thought you said Goat!"


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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"


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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."


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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"


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Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."


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 Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each ofthem what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute." Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute." "Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied  "I thought you said a Protestant."

 


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The Missing Rooster


The Priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"  All the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Hs anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up, (and half the alter boys).

 


 

 

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