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An Irishman's been at a
pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands
up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up
and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he
falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to
his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been
out drinking again!!"
"How did you
know?" he asks.
"The pub called,
you left your wheelchair there again."
14 May you never
be as unhappy as a Catholic in Belfast.
13 Hey! You! Wake
up and drink this!!
12 May the green
of your vomit tomorrow echo the green of your eyes tonight.
11 May your
codpiece always be a size too small.
10 Here's shrapnel
in yer eye!
9 May the wind
always be at yer back... less'n o'course, you're a mime.
8 May the grass
grow green in your fields, may the sun shine warmly at your back, and may
you be back home in your apartment a half-hour before you start puking
your guts out.
7 May you never
have to hear that caterwauling lass from The Cranberries screech ever
again.
6 Git yer hand off
me arse or I'll rip yer head off and puke down yer throat.
5 May Erin go
bra'less.
4 May you have the
hair of Bono and the balls of Sinead O'Connor.
3 May Pamela Lee
fondle your blarney stones.
2 Here's to
not trippin' over a Kennedy and the Number 1
St. Patrick's Day Toast...
1 May the wind at
your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for
lunch.
One fine sunny
morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking
by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a
toadstool.
"What's wrong with
you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the
frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't
always a frog."
"Really!" said
the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I
was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking
through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the
forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky
little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see
before you."
"That's an incredible
story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell
that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the
frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take
me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake
up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky
day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The
priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime
put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the
11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that my lord is
the case for the Defense....... "
As soon as she had
finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of
Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she
became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she
returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to
confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the
confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of
thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and
within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels,
leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the
confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They
witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Two
Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt
guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went
into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have
sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said
he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness
unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be
forgiven."
When the lad
met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find
forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up
three good prospects!"
Pat was
found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm
side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains
wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed
it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long,
sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched
into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking
came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat
up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All
rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that
day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him
back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next
morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the
gatepost again"
Pat and
Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill
repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the
left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from
swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of
the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A
bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left,
looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his
shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just
then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked
to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened
up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be
somebody sick in there."
Four
priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.
Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked
together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we
tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other
but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go
first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out
of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my
system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next
priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling.
Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races.
Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really
nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is
worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a
lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my
system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say
anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told
our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and
starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I
can't wait to get off this train!"
An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy
vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right,
Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The
priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink
some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and
drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the
police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what
your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one
drinkin'."
A new
priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked
Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm
worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey.
Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older
priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he
found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips
of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are
10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are
12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was
consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not
refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father,
Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew
Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David
was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was
stoned off his ass."
10. We do not
refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus
broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it,
for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."
12. The Virgin
Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The
recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yea God"
14. Next
Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a
patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An old Irish
man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside,
expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy
and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant
minister."
The son is
astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good
Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now,
not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son,
please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But,
Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been
a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like
this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you
respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant
minister right now."
The son
relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house,
and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is
leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the
door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm
afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant
now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old
man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You
were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there
when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing
like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up
at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better
one of *them* than one of *us*."
A young
Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand
twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into
a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
McCuen
stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
"Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you!
When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father,"
asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what
causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with
loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't,"
slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
Young
O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered
the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've
just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went
on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still
no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye
fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the
confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence
confessin' your sins!"
One
little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in
school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't
concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was
concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed
an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in
math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs
and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was
that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so
strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked.
"No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are
giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the
boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new
school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very
first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in
class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and
saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant
business!"
Two
leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother
superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother
superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked
"oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at
the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't
have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than,
mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland
than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't
know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all."
"Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of
all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I
would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!"
replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is
all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid
leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been
dating a Penguin"
It
seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to
know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and
questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you
going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a
fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, "
Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a
gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's,
you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you
take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young
lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet
know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to
think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100
bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and
with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly
left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had
just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his
feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is
going to become a Catholic Priest!"
Farmer
McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad
day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and
asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh
no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down
the street that might be wiling." "Father do you think $50,000
might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man
, why didn't me your dog was a catholic!!!?"
One
fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side
of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little
guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside
him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the
poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you
caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three
wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just
glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the
golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great
golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they
often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods
and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same
little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine,
and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's
great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you,"
responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding
out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand
in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The
leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun
stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him
sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."
A
wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the
priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned
good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But
I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I
can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a
damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note
in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the
priest.
Boyle
sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have
sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English
railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest.
"For penance, do the stations!"
Father
Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand
over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father,"
was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall,"
said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't
Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole
said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since
my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all
those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son,"
says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said,
"Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
The
good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in
this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old
Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest
said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!"
spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
An
Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman)
to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint
Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to
Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer
excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so
he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest
suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests,
"Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and
how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those
things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"
Father O'Malley is so
upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation. So on the next
Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the
flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes
they've ever set eyes on a ghost? "To his dismay a lot show
their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a
ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next
question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the
flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a
Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must.Is there any one in
church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a
ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can
you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said
O'conner"Oops Father, thought you said Goat!"
Paddy was
in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the
cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
Mrs. Pete
Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was
told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered
Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his
kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she
wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought
old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died.
Boat for sale"
Padraic
Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was
never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery
and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up
from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic
Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell
I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm
the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
Gallagher
opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin'
from?"
Murphy
was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had
a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided
to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten
new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new
suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off
towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.
On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's
going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had
everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it
happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell
you the truth I didn't recognize you."
Sister Brigid was
teaching her young students one day and she asked each ofthem what they
would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who
responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute." Shocked,
good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her.
When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say
you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A
prostitute." "Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied
"I thought you said a Protestant."
The Priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept
in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster
and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and
as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he
decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Hs anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up, (and half the alter boys).
