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God Bless America!, Features  Little Johnny Jokes, Little Johnnie is always getting into trouble. Little Johnny's little sister is about to celebrate her birthday. Wise Little Johnny told his sister to ask for a GI Joe gift so he can play with it as well.   

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Little Johnnie was late to school one Wednesday, so the teacher asked
him why he was late.
"Well Ms. Johnson," he answered, "my dad sleeps naked and..."
"That'll be quite enough, Johnnie!" Ms Johnson interrupted. "We'll
have none of your smut today, young man. Just get to your seat."
A short time passed and Ms. Johnson called Johnnie up to her desk.
"Now Johnnie, I want you to tell me why you were late, and none of
your filth!"
"But Ms Johnson my dad does sleep naked and that is part of why I was
"Well ok, but if you go too far with this story it's to the principles
office next."
"Yes Ma'am. Well, like I said, my dad sleeps naked, and about two
o'clock this morning we heard something in the hen house. So dad
grabbed his shotgun, hoping to catch that fox that been bothering our
chickens. So there he is, bent down looking in the hen house and our
dog old Blue (who probably has the coldest nose in the whole county)
comes up behind him. Boom! goes the shotgun!
So, Ms. Johnson, I've been cleaning feathers off chickens all morning."


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Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson
one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her
vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came
this close to being a turd."

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Little Johnny's little sister is about to celebrate her birthday. Wise Little Johnny told his sister to ask for a GI Joe gift so he can play with it as well.

So a day before the party, Johnny's mom asks his sister what she wants for her birthday. She answered, "I want a Barbie Doll, mom." She noticed Johnny who's standing behind her mom threatening her with a clenched fist, so she quickly continued, " and a GI Joe too."
Johnny's mom looked surprised and said, "But honey, Barbie comes with Ken, not G.I. Joe." To which Johnny quickly interrupts, "No mom, Barbie fakes it with Ken. Believe me, she comes with G.I. Joe."

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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and his mother became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would, except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too. Pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis said she was really hot!!!!

Finally I found out what was making them so sick.....a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10" long. Honest!!!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen.... I should tell her about the ones down at the lake!!!!!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spred her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squeezing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging her and kissing her again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute strggle, they finally killed the eel. I saw it was dead because I saw him peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

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One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

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One day Johnny Badass is walking to school and sees something on the ground and picks it up and puts it in his pocket. The teacher is teaching and smells something yucky. She walks around and finds that the smell is comming from Johnny. She says "Johnny, what is that smell?"


Johhny says It's a leprechaun."


She asks Johnny where the leprechaun is and he says "in my pocket."


She wants to see it but Johnny says no you will scare it away. She doesn't believe him and tells him to let her see what he has in
his pocket. He says "No you will scare him away."


The teacher says "If you don't show me what you have in your pocket I am going to send you to the office."


Johnny refuses so off to the office he goes.  When he gets to the office the secretary says "Johnny, what is that smell?"


Johnny tells her it is a leprechaun. She wants to see it and he says "No, you will scare it away." She tells him that if he doesn't show her what he has in his pocket she will send him in to see the principal. He refuses so in to the principal's office he goes.

When he walks in, the principal says "What is that smell?".


Johnny says "It's a leprechaun"

Principal asks where it is and Johnny says in my pocket. Principal says let me see the leprechaun and Johnny says "No you will scare it away"


The principal gets his paddle and says "Johnny if you don't show me what you have in your pocket, I am going to paddle you."


Finally Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out what was in there saying "See, you scared the shit out of him."


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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

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Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

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Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.

First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."

Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."

Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."

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Little Johnny went out to the field for recreation period. One of the sixth grade girls asked him to come with her and play inn the bushes. So Little Johnny went along with her. When they got into a small clearing in the bushes, she asked him: "let me see your peter". Little Johnny responded: "What's a peter?". She said: "well if you don't know what a peter is, I don't want to play with you anymore".

After school, Little Johnny was quite shaken. His father came home from work. Little Johnny asked his dad "Dad, whats a peter?" . His dad unziped his pants and pulled it out. He said: "Son, this is a peter, and its a PERFECT peter!".

Little Johnny went to school the next morning, and when break to recreation came around, he found the same young girl. He asked her: "Would you like to play in the bushes. I know what a peter is!". She agreed, so they went back to the clearing in the bushes. Little Johnny unziped his pants and wipped it out. And he said "Now, This is a peter, and if it was an inch shorter it would be a PERFECT peter!!!".

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Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality.

His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose I would."

His dad then sez, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I suppose I would."

Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

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Johnnie's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnnie would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before. She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that Johnnie could not possible mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnnie said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnnie's turn again. This time the word was "urinate". The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnnie. Johnnie said, " You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

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The teacher asks the children in her class how they think people go to heaven.

Little Johnny puts his hand up but the teacher ignores him, instead she asks Jane, Jane says well miss , I think that your soul is collected by an angel and it takes you both up to heaven.

Little Johnny shouts out Me Miss , Me Miss but again the teacher ignores him, instead she asks Peter , well miss , I think that an elevator door opens and you climb in and go up to heaven.

Little Johnny is still shouting, and the teacher finally relinquishes ans says yes Johnny how do you think we go to heaven Johnny replies Feet First.

The teacher says what do you mean, well last night I went into my Parents bedroom and my mother was laid on the bed with her legs in the air shouting "God I'm Coming"

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Jonnie comes home from school one day and his mother says "Hi jonnie, what did you lear in school today?"

jonnie: "I learned 2 new words but don't know what they mean"

mom: "OK, tell me what they are and I'll see if I can help"

jonnie: "Well, the first word was 'pussy'"

mom: "hmmm. well jonnie, you know our kitty cat?"

jonnie: "yea"

mom: "well that's a pussy"

jonnie: "oh, I see"

mom: "what was the second word?"

jonnie "the second word was 'bitch'"

the mother thinks for a while and says to jonnie "that's not important, now you run outside and play"

a few hours later the father pulls in the drive and sees jonnie playing. He asks, "hi jonnie, what did you do in school today?"

jonnie : "I learned 2 new words but I'm not sure what they mean"

dad: "tell me what they are and I'll tell you what they mean"

jonnie "the first word is 'pussy'

dad: "well jonnie, have you ever seen your mom come out of the shower?"

jonnie "yea"

dad "did you notice the patch of hair between her legs?"

jonnie "yea"

dad "well if you were to draw a circle around that patch of hair, that would be the pussy. everything inside the circle is the pussy"

jonnie "oh, I see"

dad: "what was the second word?"

jonnie "bitch"

dad "well remember the circle? everything outside the circle is the bitch!"

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It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

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Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again, the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?"

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick."

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Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling her pinkie).

Little Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinkie at him.
"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him.

The next day, Little Johnny walked by and she did it again, (wiggling her pinkie) "Hi Little Johnny" to which Johnny replied, (putting his fingers in his mouth to spread apart his lips and stretched out his mouth) "How you doing, lady!"

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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So Thursday night, Little Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Little Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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Miss Baker is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Smithy," she says. Smithy says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Little Johnny?" she says.

Little Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

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One day, the mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mum is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

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Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Little Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Little Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything today?", his mother asks."

I learned how to hang a door", Little Johnny replies.

Mum says, "That's great! How do you do that?".

"Well, first you get the son of a bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too Fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair of here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Little Johnny's mum is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Little Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mum how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?

"Well, first you get the son of a bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too Fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Little Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

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Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.

Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

Little Johnny shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

Little Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."

The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

Little Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"

Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of that!?!?"

Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

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Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely in a sentence?"

First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.."Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

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One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "At Christmas, you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"

"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
Your Friend,

He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.

Dear Jesus,
Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided to write another letter.

Dear Jesus,
I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one iether. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.

Dear Jesus,
If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
Your Friend,

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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

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A Gift for Teacher                                          

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.


"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

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New Teacher  

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

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Abstract Logic  

The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic.

"Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?"

Johnny promptly replied,, "That it was on the bum."

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Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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10 Commandments  

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big hands!

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It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

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One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

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During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what ’Amen’ means.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said:  "It means... tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"



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