Features Little Johnny Jokes, Little Johnnie is always getting
into trouble. Little Johnny's little sister is
about to celebrate her birthday. Wise Little Johnny told his sister to
ask for a GI Joe gift so he can play with it as well.
Little Johnnie was late
to school one Wednesday, so the teacher asked
him why he was late.
Johnson," he answered, "my dad sleeps naked and..."
"That'll be quite
enough, Johnnie!" Ms Johnson interrupted. "We'll
have none of your smut today, young man. Just get to your seat."
A short time passed and
Ms. Johnson called Johnnie up to her desk.
"Now Johnnie, I want you to tell me why you were late, and none of
"But Ms Johnson my
dad does sleep naked and that is part of why I was
"Well ok, but if you
go too far with this story it's to the principles
"Yes Ma'am. Well,
like I said, my dad sleeps naked, and about two
o'clock this morning we heard something in the hen house. So dad
grabbed his shotgun, hoping to catch that fox that been bothering our
chickens. So there he is, bent down looking in the hen house and our
dog old Blue (who probably has the coldest nose in the whole county)
comes up behind him. Boom! goes the shotgun!
So, Ms. Johnson, I've
been cleaning feathers off chickens all morning."
Little Johnny's little
sister is about to celebrate her birthday. Wise Little Johnny told his
sister to ask for a GI Joe gift so he can play with it as well.
So a day before the
party, Johnny's mom asks his sister what she wants for her birthday. She
answered, "I want a Barbie Doll, mom." She noticed Johnny
who's standing behind her mom threatening her with a clenched fist, so
she quickly continued, " and a GI Joe too."
Johnny's mom looked
surprised and said, "But honey, Barbie comes with Ken, not G.I.
Joe." To which Johnny quickly interrupts, "No mom, Barbie
fakes it with Ken. Believe me, she comes with G.I. Joe."
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like
other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about
"courting" from older boys and his mother became rather
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything
to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing
and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face
started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand
inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would, except
he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
I guess he was getting sick too. Pretty
soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other
hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this
time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide
down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew
it was a fever because Sis said she was really hot!!!!
Finally I found out what was making them
so sick.....a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped
out of his pants and stood there, about 10" long. Honest!!!! Anyway,
he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it she got really scared,
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling out to God
and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen.... I
should tell her about the ones down at the lake!!!!!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill
the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let
the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands
and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spred her legs so she
could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and
her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel
by squeezing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and
gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed
the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of
its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired
from the battle but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging her
and kissing her again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or
This time Sis jumped up and tried to
kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute strggle, they finally
killed the eel. I saw it was dead because I saw him peel its skin off and
flush it down the toilet.
Little Johnny is passing his parents'
bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing
a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The
Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to
town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out
"Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually get bucked off!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the
subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes
Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains
attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the
lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I
saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good,
William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said
little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.
With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I
saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of
Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of
them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to
fuck with the Lone Ranger."
One day little Johnny went to his
father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we
have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a
bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked
again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high,
sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was
seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard
you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000
day Johnny Badass is walking to school and sees something on the ground
and picks it up and puts it in his pocket. The teacher is teaching and
smells something yucky. She walks around and finds that the smell is
comming from Johnny. She says "Johnny, what is that smell?"
says It's a leprechaun."
asks Johnny where the leprechaun is and he says "in my
wants to see it but Johnny says no you will scare it away. She doesn't
believe him and tells him to let her see what he has in
his pocket. He says "No you will scare him away."
teacher says "If you don't show me what you have in your pocket I
am going to send you to the office."
refuses so off to the office he goes. When he gets to the office
the secretary says "Johnny, what is that smell?"
tells her it is a leprechaun. She wants to see it and he says "No,
you will scare it away." She tells him that if he doesn't show her
what he has in his pocket she will send him in to see the principal. He
refuses so in to the principal's office he goes.
When he walks in, the principal says "What is that smell?".
says "It's a leprechaun"
Principal asks where it is and Johnny says in my pocket. Principal says
let me see the leprechaun and Johnny says "No you will scare it
principal gets his paddle and says "Johnny if you don't show me
what you have in your pocket, I am going to paddle you."
Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out what was in there saying
"See, you scared the shit out of him."
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for
dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he
did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty
(age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they
don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him "How are you and
Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies
"Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from
her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."
His father says "That's fine, but
how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've
Little Johnny, on a day when he was
being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.
Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He
began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the
honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No
honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered
upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them
under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of
thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was
cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around
the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the
cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his
father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you
going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
Little Johnny went out to the field for
recreation period. One of the sixth grade girls asked him to come with her
and play inn the bushes. So Little Johnny went along with her. When they
got into a small clearing in the bushes, she asked him: "let me see
your peter". Little Johnny responded: "What's a peter?".
She said: "well if you don't know what a peter is, I don't want to
play with you anymore".
After school, Little Johnny was quite
shaken. His father came home from work. Little Johnny asked his dad
"Dad, whats a peter?" . His dad unziped his pants and pulled it
out. He said: "Son, this is a peter, and its a PERFECT peter!".
Little Johnny went to school the next
morning, and when break to recreation came around, he found the same young
girl. He asked her: "Would you like to play in the bushes. I know
what a peter is!". She agreed, so they went back to the clearing in
the bushes. Little Johnny unziped his pants and wipped it out. And he said
"Now, This is a peter, and if it was an inch shorter it would be a
Little Johnny comes home with a homework
paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference
between theory and reality.
His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and
ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars."
Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose
His dad then sez, "Now go ask your
big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million
dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I
suppose I would."
Little Johnny and his dad then sit down,
and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory
and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality,
we're living with a couple of whores."
Johnnie's teacher had a new game for the
children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out
of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnnie would try
and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.
She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that Johnnie could not
possible mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnnie said, "My
sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the
front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."
After all the kids had answered one, it
was Johnnie's turn again. This time the word was "urinate". The
teacher was sure this one would stump Johnnie. Johnnie said, "
You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."
It was little Johnny's first day in a
new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little
Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that
little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not
The teacher did not seem disturbed,
assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very
capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called
the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very
well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely
insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She
said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's
lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said.
"He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's
ass before the day was over."
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class
grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it
with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again,
again, the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she
started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book
became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's
father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade
"That's nothing." replied the
father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for
two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick."
Little Johnny had to walk by a
whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside
and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling her
Little Johnny asked why she always
wiggled her pinkie at him.
"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She
laughed at him.
The next day, Little Johnny walked by
and she did it again, (wiggling her pinkie) "Hi Little Johnny"
to which Johnny replied, (putting his fingers in his mouth to spread apart
his lips and stretched out his mouth) "How you doing, lady!"
One day, the teacher walks into her
classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a
question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go
to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks,
"How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no
one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks
the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow
answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So Thursday night, Little
Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school
in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
"Here's this week's question," Little Johnny empties the bag to
the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the
entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the
comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up
and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Miss Baker is teaching her grade four
class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people
stick up their hands.
"Smithy," she says. Smithy
says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"
and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that little Johnny has
his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Little Johnny?" she
Little Johnny says, "The other day,
me and my dad's sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting
her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going
in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me,
"Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
Little Johnny is running around the
house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Little Johnny,
why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe
you can learn some neat things."
Little Johnny disappears for about four
hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything
today?", his mother asks."
I learned how to hang a door",
Little Johnny replies.
Mum says, "That's great! How do you
"Well, first you get the son of a
bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too Fucking
small. So you shave a cunt hair of here and a cunt hair off there and put
the goddamn thing up."
Little Johnny's mum is floored by his
language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets
Later, Little Johnny's dad goes into his
room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."
"All I did was tell Mum how to hang
"Why don't you tell me", Dad
"Well, first you get the son of a
bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too Fucking
small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put
the goddamn thing up."
Dad screams, "That's it young man.
You go get a switch from the back yard."
Little Johnny looks at his dad and says,
"Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"
One day little Johnny asked his mother
for a new bike. His mother said, "At Christmas, you send a letter to
Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"
"Yes," replied Johnny,
"but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "yes, but you
can send a letter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen
and paper and started his letter.
I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to
start a new letter.
Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to
write another letter.
I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that
he didn't like that one iether. He left and went walking around depressed
when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He
picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and
started his new letter.
If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
Little Johnny was busy doing his
homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing
math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next
day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo.
Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way
of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why
Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed,
"Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a
large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly
turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over
to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male
student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not
It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a
test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to
count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a
few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely
well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama,
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite
the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through
without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled
off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in
his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because
you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have
little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that
because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get
some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two
big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a
few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of
you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me
as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"