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Back To Joke Page.

Dave was the vice-president of Amalgamated Stuff, Inc. One day the president, Mr.Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "You're gonna have to jack off! I've got a headache."


Back To Joke Page.

Dilbert's Laws of Work


If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of happy hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all of the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. Like reading this.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of the person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.


Back To Joke Page.

UNION BROTHELS

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel
where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to a grotesque
woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


Back To Joke Page.

From: The Higher-ups
To: All Middle Management
Subject: Shit Prioritization

It has come to the attention of upper management that the shit we've been passing down to middle management has not been getting properly prioritized. Thus we have come up with the following company standards.

There are now four official categories of shit...

Bullshit: One of us had nothing better to do and so this shit was created. This must receive the highest priority as until we find something better to do, we will be giving this shit our full attention.

Holy Shit: Actually this should receive the highest priority as it is the shit created when one of us has gotten a bug up his/her ass.

No Shit: This is shit you already know, but with minor quibbling variations. Give it your full attention as we will quiz you on this shit.

Little Shit: Okay, this is the stuff that should be on the top of your shit list. It comes from recently promoted upper managers looking to emphasize the importance of their new positions. As their egos are riding on the priority you give to their shit, giving it highest priority is the best way to keep them from sulking which could cause a drop in their shit production.

All shit _will_ fit one of these categories except for shit that doesn't. Shit that doesn't fit a category is meaningless shit, which is of course the most important shit of all. Failure to adhere to these standards which have been designed to help you get your shit together will result in you being shit out of luck.

 

Your cooperation is appreciated,

Philip M. O'Magnesia
King Shit


Back To Joke Page.

Corporate Zodiac


Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits.

 

MARKETING:

You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.


SALES:

Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree". You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career.


CUSTOMER SERVICE:

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.


TECHNOLOGY:

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn't have time for all that "crap" required in college. Often, even you don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will.


ENGINEERING:

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec sheets.


ACCOUNTING:

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the Rest Room, practicing your frown in the mirror.


HUMAN RESOURCES:

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter ! Your favorite expression is: "Now don't say anything, but..."


MID-LEVEL MANAGERS/ DEPARTMENT HEADS/ TEAM LEADERS:

Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but... you are probably destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake.


SENIOR MANAGERS:

You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else would have you anyway.

Back To Joke Page.


Subject: Company Policy

 

 NEW COMPANY POLICIES:

 SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE

 We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as  proof of sickness. If

 you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

 SURGERY:

 Operations are now banned. As long as you are an

 employee here, you  need  all your organs. You should not consider removing

 anything. We hired  you  intact. To have something removed constitutes a

 breach of employment.

 

 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

 This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing

 you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should

 be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare

 cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be

 scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work

 through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your

 share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

 

 YOUR OWN DEATH:

 This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we

 require at least two  weeks notice as it is your duty to train your

 replacement.

Back To Joke Page.

 REST ROOM USE:

 Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest

 room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical

 order. For instance, those whose names begin with

 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who names begin with 'B' will go

 from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it

 will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In

 extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both

 employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there

 is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell 

 will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, and the stall door open.

Back To Joke Page.

 PAYCHECK GUIDE:

 The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees

 better understand their paychecks:

 Item Amount

 Gross pay $1,222.02

 Income tax $244.40

 Outgo tax $45.21

 State tax $11.61

 Interstate tax $61.10

 County tax $6.11

 City tax $12.22

 Rural tax $4.44

 Back tax $1.11

 Front tax $1.16

 Side tax $1.61

 Up tax $2.22

 Down tax $1.11

 Tic-Tacs $1.98

 Thumbtacks $3.93

 Carpet tacks $0.98

 Stadium tax $0.69

 Flat tax $8.32

 Surtax $3.46

 Corporate tax{tab} $2.60

 Parking fee $5.00

 F.I.C.A. $81.88

 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95

 Life insurance $5.85

 Health insurance $16.23

 Dental insurance $4.50

 Mental insurance $4.33

 Reassurance $0.11

 Disability $2.50

 Ability $0.25

 Liability $3.41

 Unreliability $10.99

 Coffee $6.85

 Coffee Cups $66.51

 Floor rental $16.85

 Chair rental $0.32

 Desk rental $4.32

 Union dues $5.85

 Union don'ts $3.77

 Cash advance $0.69

 Cash retreats $121.35

 Overtime $1.26

 Undertime $54.83

 Eastern time $9.00

 Central time $8.00

 Mountain time $7.00

 Pacific time $6.00

 Time Out $12.21

 Oxygen $10.02

 Water $16.54

 Heat $51.42

 Cool air $26.83

 Hot air $20.00

 Miscellaneous $113.29

 Sundry $12.09

 Various $8.01

 Net Pay $0.02

 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are  here to provide a  positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

 

 Have a nice week. HUMAN RESOURCES


Back To Joke Page.

 I always wanted to be somebody, but I should

 have been more  specific. (Jerry Seinfeld)


 

 

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