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Zodiac: Astrology tells us about people and their future by
their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses
the year of a person's birth.
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Dave was the vice-president
of Amalgamated Stuff, Inc. One day the president, Mr.Smith called him into
his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack
or Barb would have to be laid off.
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and
said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I
don't know who to fire."
"I'll tell you what to
do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith
replied.
The next morning Dave waited
for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said
to her "Barb I've got a problem."
"Really? What's
wrong?" Barb replied.
"Well you see, I've got
to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barb replied, "You're
gonna have to jack off! I've got a headache."
A dedicated shop steward was
at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it
isn't," said the Madame.
"Well, if I pay you
$100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and
the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such
unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it
isn't," said the Madame.
"If I pay you $100, what
cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and
the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel
where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100,
what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and
the house gets $20."
"That's more like
it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the
night."
"I'm sure you would,
sir," said the Madame, gesturing to a grotesque
woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."
From: The Higher-ups
To: All Middle Management
Subject: Shit Prioritization
It has come to the attention
of upper management that the shit we've been passing down to middle
management has not been getting properly prioritized. Thus we have come up
with the following company standards.
There are now four official
categories of shit...
Bullshit: One of us had
nothing better to do and so this shit was created. This must receive the
highest priority as until we find something better to do, we will be giving
this shit our full attention.
Holy Shit: Actually this
should receive the highest priority as it is the shit created when one of us
has gotten a bug up his/her ass.
No Shit: This is shit you
already know, but with minor quibbling variations. Give it your full
attention as we will quiz you on this shit.
Little Shit: Okay, this is
the stuff that should be on the top of your shit list. It comes from
recently promoted upper managers looking to emphasize the importance of
their new positions. As their egos are riding on the priority you give to
their shit, giving it highest priority is the best way to keep them from
sulking which could cause a drop in their shit production.
All shit _will_ fit one of
these categories except for shit that doesn't. Shit that doesn't fit a
category is meaningless shit, which is of course the most important shit of
all. Failure to adhere to these standards which have been designed to help
you get your shit together will result in you being shit out of luck.
Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and
location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth.
Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well
as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac
goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty
much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits.
MARKETING:
You are ambitious, yet
stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much
what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all the Corporate
Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree". You are
also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to
take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your
golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career.
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you
are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of
you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so
you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed
over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in
your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything
that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because
you didn't have time for all that "crap" required in college.
Often, even you don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one
else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall
inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will.
ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that
actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people
on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be
happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is
typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec
sheets.
ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that
studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the
most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that
you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the
Rest Room, practicing your frown in the mirror.
HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access
to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get
a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter ! Your favorite expression is:
"Now don't say anything, but..."
MID-LEVEL MANAGERS/ DEPARTMENT HEADS/ TEAM LEADERS:
Catty, cut-throat, and
ambitious, but... you are probably destined to remain at your current job
for the rest of your life unless a Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend
to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you.
Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social
circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake.
SENIOR MANAGERS:
You enjoy appearing to be the
ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and
determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless
the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single
decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers
you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest
in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as
everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else
would have you anyway.
The following helpful guide has been
prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax{tab} $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Pay $0.02
Thank you
for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or
input should be directed elsewhere.