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An engineer speaks on Christmas...

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,.each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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Ken's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbir DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

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Ten signs Santa has marraige problems

• He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
• Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
• He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
• He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
• His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
• Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
• He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
• Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
• Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
• Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

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Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are,
"Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

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Ten Department Store Santa Peeves

• Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
• When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
• Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
• Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
• That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
• Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
• Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
• Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
• Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
• Two words: lap rash

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Ten signs your sick of the holidays You've got red and green bags under your eyes You're serving reindeer pot pie When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard" Two words: tinsel rash

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Ten signs you've got a bad christmas tree

• Two feet tall, forty feet wide
• Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
• It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
• While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
• Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
• Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
• It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
• Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
• Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
• Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

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Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Santa

• He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
• Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
• Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
• Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
• Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
• When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
• He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
• Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
• His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
• Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"

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All I want for Christmas is...........

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

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Why the angel is on top of the tree Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit... This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?? And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

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Christmas Carols

One night Freda went carol singing.

She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing. A man with a violin in his hand came to the door

Within half a minute tears were streaming down his face! Freda went on singing for half an hour, every carol she knew - and some she didn't.

As last she stopped.

'I understand,' she said softly. 'You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You're a sentimentalist!'

'No,' he snivelled. 'I'm a musician!'

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The Christmas Fairies

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!

The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, 'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!'

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'

'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn me into a Goon!'

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!
'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!' Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!

'You fooish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully...
'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon tomorrow!'

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Chistmas String

One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.

'You know, we'll probably just be thrown on the fire,' String No.1 said.
'Or in the bin!' String No 2 moaned.
'We can't have that!' String No 3 cried.
'So what can we do?' the other two pieces asked.
'Let's go out for a meal!' String No 3 suggested.
And off they wwent down to the 'Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, 'Right, lads, what'll we eat?'
'I'd like some tomato soup,' said String No 2.
'And how about stuffed turkey to follow...and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,' said String No 3.

String No 1 went to the counter and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!'

The waiter took one look at him and said, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 1 went back to the others. 'He refused to serve me!'
String No 2 asked, 'Did you say 'please'?'
'No' admitted String No 1.
'Then let me try!'
String No 2 went to the bar and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.'

But the waiter replied, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string.....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. 'Here, lads, let me try,' String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.

He went up to the bar. 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!'

The waiter looked at him and sighed. 'Push offl shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

And string no 3 replied 'No. i'm a frayed knot!'

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Does Santa exist

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.

Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be valorised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Mmmm... but remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...

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Microsoft buys Christmas

NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows NT V.5.0."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

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The Rudolph Song

Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red.

Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she said he had to argue.

One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to tea.'

'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.

'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued.
'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried to tell him.
Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!'
Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows snow, darling!'
'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'
'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.

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The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

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What to give an optimist & pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

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Office Holiday Memo

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12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition  

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: 

Twelve bags of catnip!

Eleven tarter Pounce treats,

Ten ornaments hanging, 

Nine wads of Kleenex, 

Eight peacock feathers, 

Seven stolen Q-tips,

Six feathered balls,

Five MILK JUG RINGS! 

Four munchy house plants, 

Three running faucets, 

Two fuzzy mousies, 

And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

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CORPORATE MEMO

 
To:           All Staff
Date:        December 1
Subject:    New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

 
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
 

Happy Holidays all!!

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1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.  (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.  (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.  (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.  (1 point for each  piece of sticky candy).   If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.  (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.  (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for  later consumption at home.  (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore].  (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.  (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.  (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.

30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by  the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

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Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!  He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs  on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present.  I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee.   Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa.  Can't you stay for just a little while?  I know you want me.  Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add.  And she says "Santa, this is your last chance.  This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey!  Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!' "

Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.  As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped.  So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight.  He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.  The elves were on strike.  The reindeer had shin-splints.  At this point, Santa was BUMMED.  He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY.  Now he was really mad.  All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.  Santa, in his angry state, ignored it.  There was another knock.  Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door.  Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa!  What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

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'Twas the Night After Christmas By Jeff Foxworthy
 Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys. And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin'. I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, And you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten. I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun. When outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care! So I popped off a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
 

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List December
1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows '98
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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Santa's Pickup Lines 10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it. 3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
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Christmas Quickies When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
 It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.