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50 fun things to do at Wal-Mart (Rated G)

50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling
them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the
store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute
intervals throughout the day

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all
the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of
gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
"I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what
happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them
off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't
seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap
anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire
store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and
Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from
other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are
any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a
full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic
as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me
to your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go
to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't
get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.



*BONUS*


1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit,
without getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much
you can make.


Back To Joke Page.

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily    function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Oops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".


Back To Joke Page.
How to be Annoying and/or Stupid
1. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, 
    and insist to others that you "like it that way."
2. Drum on every available surface.
3. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of 
    being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and  demand that people pronounce       each A. 
4. Sing the Batman theme song incessantly.
5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
6. Ask 800 operators for dates.
7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy 
    warnings.
8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
9. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
10. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Set alarms for random times.
13. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in 
      public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
14. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the 
      flavor off.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
16. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
17. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, 
     with the volume properly adjusted.
18. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" 
      noise.
19. Honk and wave to strangers.
20. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
21. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
22. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts 
      of rental movies.
23. Wear your pants backwards.
24. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their 
      complementarymints by the cash register.
25. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
26. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's 
     "Metal Machine Music".
27. Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape  mode. 
28. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
29. only type in lowercase.
30. dont use any punctuation either
31. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute 
     whole streets.
32. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
33. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
34. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
35. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of 
       someone'sroadmaps.
36. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy 
      assasination/UFO/ OJSimpson conspiracy theories.
37. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear 
      that?""What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
38. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
39. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their 
       parsley.
40. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
41. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
42. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
43. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
44. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" 
       until physically restrained.
45. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
46. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
47. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
48. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
49. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya 
      know, Lamb Chops?)
50. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
51. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
52. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the 
       bottom of yourchin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
53. Drive half a block.
54. Name your dog "Dog."
55. Name yaur cat "Cat" or Kitty."
56. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
57. Ask people what gender they are.
58. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU 
      think."
59. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie 
      partsback in the tray.
60. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
61. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener 
      it was a "real hoot."
62. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the 
      curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
63. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they 
      touch with a can of Lysol.
64. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in 
      co-worker's brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogerstheme song.
65. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a 
       parakeet.
66. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
67. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
68. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
69. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry 
      foralt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
70. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars 
      to seeif they slow down.
71. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
72. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if 
     people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
73. Wear a LOT of cologne.
74. Ask to "interface" with someone.
75. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster 
      speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
76. Sing along at the opera.
77. Mow your lawn with scissors.
78. At a golf tournament, chant 
     "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
79. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with 
      prophesy."
80. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary 
      friend."
81. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
82. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble 
      theiranswers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological 
      profiles."
83. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket 
      isn' t cricket."
84. Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic 
      picture."
85. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
86. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
87. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, 
      producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying 
      more any moment.
88. Never make eye contact.
89. Never break eye contact.
90. Shave your head because someone told you to in school.
91. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
92. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people 
with it, announcing the results.
93. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in 
a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
94. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
95. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
96. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Back To Joke Page.

The lady walked up to the policeman and said, 'Officer, that man on the corner is annoying me.'

'I have been watching the whole time,' said the cop, 'and that man wasn't even looking at you.'

'Well,' said the woman, 'isn't that annoying?'

            


    HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE
            
            
-
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.  Insist to others that you like
it that way.

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. 

 (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.  For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.


Back To Joke Page.

10 Things that Piss me off!

   1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.  I
       know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?  Do I
       point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

   2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

   3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
       room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
       change the channel manually.

   4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
       too."  Fuck off.  What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
       What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

   5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look," Of
       course it is.  Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've
       found it?  Do people do this?  Who and where are they?
 
   6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
       dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the
       friggin' ceiling up there.  What did you come here for?

   7.    The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
       Don't drink and drive.  I don't."  Well, I hope you don't drive
       sober either Mr. Healey.  You're blind for fuck's sake!

   8.  People, who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"  Didn't really give
        me a choice, did ya there buddy?

   9. When something is "new and improved," which is it?  If it's new,
       then there has never been anything before it.  If it's an
       improvement, then there must have been something before it.

  10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
        were going.  You should know asshole; you fucking pulled me over!!

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