MarkThiSpot.com,
Features Lawyers, liars, by george they are the same name with different
spellings! The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near,
he called his lawyer.
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In a long line of people
waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of
the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and
snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the
guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were
tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am
I fucking the guy in front of me?"
A lawyer died and arrived
at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead
of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk
at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and
greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up
to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193
years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in
poverty and many barristers of the city sub-scribed to a fund for his
funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a
shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
The old man was critically
ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a
lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000",
the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to
become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!
Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old
man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill
would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was
racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's
too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you
died?"
In a faint whisper, as he
breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".
A man was sent to Hell for
his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed
a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful
young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman."
Jabbing the man with his
pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that
woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he
would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen
the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the
case.
Your attorney and your
mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to
save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
It was so cold last winter
... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
A dog ran into a butcher
shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher
recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.Incensed at thetheft, the butcher called up his
neighbor and said, "Hey, your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop,
are you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied,
"Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the
butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an
invoice that read:
Two lawyers were walking
along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be
honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
What is the difference
between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
or
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What do you do if you run
over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering
wheel.
What is the only
disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
How many lawyers does it
take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack
lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer
is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are
they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
How can you tell there's an
afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
How do you get a lawyer out
of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a
drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.? Good!
How do you stop a lawyer
from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the difference
between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What is the definition of a
shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a
"crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How do you kill 4000
lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What's the strongest
argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve
into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS
agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you
go to lunch or read the paper?
How many lawyers does it
take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the
lawyers' word processor?
No matter What font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What can a goose do, a duck
can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you
cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the difference
between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What is the difference
between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What do you buy a friend
graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What is the difference
between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What is the difference
between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
How do you know when your
divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference
between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference
between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do slime molds have
more of than lawyers?
Respect.
What does molds, ooze, and
lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross
the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why do lawyers carry their
certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral
disability.
What are some of the
requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook,
and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
What kind of lure must you
use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna
sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you
lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
Why don't hyenas eat
lawyers?
Even hyenas has some dignity.