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A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way

is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate

even a cent to charity.

"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital,

and it's not covered by Medicare. Second, I have five kids through three

divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one

to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry," says the United Way man. "I feel bad about asking for money."

The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I

give you any?"

Back To Joke Page.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front of me?"

Back To Joke Page.

Lawyers use a economic forecast like a drunk uses a lamppost; they use it for support rather than illumination.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

You are being chased by a bear, a lion, and a lawyer. You have a rifle, but only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

Back To Joke Page.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up
to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Back To Joke Page.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

Back To Joke Page.

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Back To Joke Page.

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".

Back To Joke Page.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Back To Joke Page.

A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Back To Joke Page.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.Incensed at thetheft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, are you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:

Legal Consultation Service: $150

Back To Joke Page.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

Back To Joke Page.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
or
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys!

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.? Good!

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

Back To Joke Page.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter What font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.

What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.

What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.

Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas has some dignity.

Back To Joke Page.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.

What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.