In a long line of people
waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of
the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and
snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the
guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were
tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am
I fucking the guy in front of me?"
A lawyer died and arrived
at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead
of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk
at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and
greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up
to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193
The old man was critically
ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a
lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"
the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to
become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!
Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old
man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill
would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was
racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's
too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you
In a faint whisper, as he
breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".
A man was sent to Hell for
his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed
a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful
young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
Jabbing the man with his
pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that
A dog ran into a butcher
shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher
recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.Incensed at thetheft, the butcher called up his
neighbor and said, "Hey, your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop,
are you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied,
"Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the
butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an
invoice that read: