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God Bless America!, Features Microsoft Jokes, Top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built BMW motorcycles. If Restaurants Worked Like Microsoft, Microsoft in a takeover of Roman Catholic Church

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The Top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built BMW motorcycles. (drumroll,please...)

1. A particular model year of BMW motorcycle wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new BMW motorcycle.

3. Occasionally your BMW motorcycle would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time on your BMW motorcycle, unless you bought a BMW motorcycle '95 or a BMW motorcycle NT, but then you'd have to buy more foot pegs.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your BMW motorcycle. Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a BMW motorcycle that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General BMW motorcycle Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft BMW motorcycles, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an motorcycle makers instead of giving them.

13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

14. The other bike manufacturers would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

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If Restaurants Worked Like Microsoft

Patron: Server!
Server: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Server.
What seems to the the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Server: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Server: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating
it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Server: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what
kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Server: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Server: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Server: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of
the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Server: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Server: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm
running late now.
[Server leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the

Server: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.

Server: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Server leaves.]

Patron: Server! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to support $1.00

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WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.

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Top Ten New Feature Of Windows 97
from "Windows Sources" May 1997...

#10 - Properties dialog box now includes Boardwalk and Pennsylvania Avenue.

#9 - Catchy "Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated" splash screen.

#8 - Odor files.

#7 - New 18-Hour Control Panel by Playtex.

#6 - Point-and-click interface replaced by innovative hunt-and-peck interface.

#5 - Free Tickle-Me-Bill-Gates doll with every purchase.

#4 - General Protection Fault demoted to Sergeant.

#3 - Start-up .WAV file replaced with the "cha-ching" sound of a cash register.

#2 - Didn't bother taking the Mac icon off the start-up screen this time.

#1 - Bill Gates Wealth-O-Meter spinning furiously on the Taskbar.

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1.Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get and empty beer bottle
3.Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape
4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git", instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart".
9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12.Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
14.Four words: Daisey Dukes screen saver
15.Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates

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Microsoft in takeover of Roman Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home."

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

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* Prelude :

Here it is ! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version
4.2e !
The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates
related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them
to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

* 1. Novice-Question : How do I recognize Windows ?

If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to
understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard-
disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed
you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows !

* 2. Virgin-Questions : What exactly is Windows ? Why do I need Windows

Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the elec-
tronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims.
And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to
buy it to get even more rich and hateful. Rumours that the Windows project
was originally launched by psychiatrists to provide them with a constant
source of new patients have not been confirmed yet.

* 3. McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's
with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences :

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

* 4. Lamer-Question : Are there any cheats for Windows ?

Repeated pressing of ALT-F4 RETURN is said to enhance the quality of the
working atmosphere. The same effect can be achieved by pressing the reset
button of your computer.

* 5. Critics-Question : Why is Windows as bad as it is ?

If Windows were bug-free, fast, easy-to-use, compatible, openly structured,
cheap and efficient, in other words if Windows were a good operating system,
there would be no need for Microsofts daily updates (also called bug-changes)
with which they trick the money out of their customers pockets into their own.
Also, such an operating system would not come from Microsoft, it would come
from real programmers.

* 6. Nintendo-Mutant-Question : Is Windows a game ? Do I need a joystick?

Yes, Windows is a game ! It has all the characteristics of a game : It has
color graphics, sound, there is movement on the screen and the user has to
press keys or use the mouse to play it. It's difficult to solve Windows or even
Windows NT, but there are quick-guides or, for the inexperienced,
complete step-by-step walk-throughs (see also Lamer-Question). There is no
need for a joystick as Windows supports both keyboard, mouse and telepathy
(think of a system crash and you get one).

* 7. Programmer-Question : Are there any standards for Windows programming ?

Of course there are. More than you can count. In fact, the wonderful thing
about Windows programming specifications is that there are so many you can
choose from and that they change from version to version. Not to forget the
fact that no other program running under Windows makes use of them. All in
all there's only one thing you need to know : Real Programmers don't use

* 8. Sceptics-Question : Is this text making any sense at all ?

As this text is about Windows, it cannot have any sense. It's a stupid text
about a stupid would-be-program. It's kept close to the characteristics of
its subject : It's funny, senseless, useless, and time and space consuming.

* 9. Version-Question : What's the newest version of Windows ?

"Kairo" and "Chicago" are out of date. After first test runs, Microsoft de-
cided to rename their projects to the more appropiate titles "Titanic" and
"Hindenburg". The alternative set of names "Atlantis" and "Tschernobyl" has
been discarded. Rumours of other project names like "L.A.", "New York", "Ir-
kutsk", "Chongqing", "Uppsala", "Claudia Schiffer", "Micky Maus", "Buy Me",
"Schoppe" or "Extended Error 17" have been discarded.

* 10. Utility-Question : Is there a tool that takes care of Windows ?

Yes ! Look out for the new V4.2 release of KillWin, available at all well
stocked computer stores and mailboxes. KillWin V4.2 features auto-detection
of Windows on all drives and four modes of operation combined with optional
full purging and packing. Average savings of hard disk space exceed more
than 20 MByte, average working speed is increased dramatically and user
happiness is made possible.

* 11. Defender-Question : How can I protect my system against Windows ?

The easiest way is to make McAfee's Scan recognize it. To do this, create a
file (e.g. "winvirus.txt") with the following content :

#The two-faced sinister Windows Virus
"e87928bbf6048be3", Microsoft (R) Windows

(Don't forget the return at the end of the last line !)

To check your programs for viruses, start Scan like this :


Note that if the file is not in the current directory, the full path name
must be specified, e.g. scan /ext

* 99. Bill Gates-Question : Are you nuts ?
Yes of course, Windows made us so.

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