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Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists (ducking)
by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada
There are so many
programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to
know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand
most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide
for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of
women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler--A female track
star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so
is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a
complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks
in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC." She has a fierce and
violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.
FORTRAN--Your grey-haired
grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you
take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her
mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in
sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries). That no younger women can
match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad
temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
COBOL--A plump secretary.
She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She
works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She
has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with
her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC--The horny divorcee
that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems
she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing
things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first
experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first
lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills
are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys
like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly,
some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But
generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced
young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I--A bordello madam. She
wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she
seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky.
Tastes change.
C--A lady executive. An
avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you
like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT)
you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young
and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine
young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60--Your father's
wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She
disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about
her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much
of her cooking.
Pascal--A grammar school
teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and
attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe
requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II--A high-school
teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has
learned to cook with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68--Algol 60's niece.
A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully
understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her
mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't
take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has
it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
LISP--She is an aging
beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK
and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the
farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins
that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the
abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom
have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for
their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
APL--A fancy caterer
specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows
of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as
that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes,
since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror
writing.
LOGO--A grade-school art
teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you
were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting
conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not
full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG--These
clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine
meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the
desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and
have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very
slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as
a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like
when they are fully mature.
Ada--A WAC colonel built
like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow
them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army
regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though,
because the army says so.
Selecting a Programming
Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
With such a large selection
of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.
Assembler - A Formula I
race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.
COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.
BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield
C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
assembler).
ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.
Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectuals.
Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL 68 - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.
LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not
available.
PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars.
Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.
FORTH - A go-cart.
LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
engine and a working horn.
APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
No other colors or options are available. If it's good
enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.
Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specification are starting to clear up.
