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A padded headboard.

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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband....Want a Quickie?
Wife...As opposed to what?

Why do men marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

I went to the country fair. They had one of those "Believe it or Not?" shows.
They had a man with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men do not mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will stay.

Did you hear about the banker who is a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.


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If men got pregnant:
Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-thru windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis wit the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why does the stupid man put ice down his condom?
To keep the swelling down.


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The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


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Women's guide to what Men say:

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"I've gotta pee." = Get out of the way.

"I've gotta GO!" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

"Good morning." = That was great sex... let's have more!

"See you later." = That was great sex... let's have more!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.


*** While shopping:***

"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

"It makes you look fat." = I'm really stupid!


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10 Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys

10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or
exciting.

8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.

2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what
you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.


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82 Rules And Instructions On Being A Man


1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everthing. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes. 25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back...Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else , don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!


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TEN THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY NEVER UNDERSTAND..... A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women
spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre-quality air." I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males -- which is why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans, and a tree.

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.

Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humour.

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to
reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.

Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.


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College Degree For Men

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS--Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 A.M.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an A-hole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (How is leaving the seat up any less rude than leaving the seat down ???????) One wonders.


Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest--You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -- Especially Naked


Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay


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28 Types Of People In The Men's Room

1. EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. NOSEY : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as he had already, comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT : All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
7. WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9. ABSENT-MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH : Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.
11. SNEAKY : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free hand.
13. DESPARATE : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16. FAT : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.
17. LITTLE : Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
21. IMPATIENT : Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front of him.
22. HUNTER : Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses, but does scare the shit out of himself.
23. WITHDRAWN : Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminates noise.
24. CROSS-EYED : Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center, flushes one on the right.
25. CURIOUS : Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.
26. COMPETITIVE : Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.
27. SHOW OFF : Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.
28. CONFUSED : Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny sinks.


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Pick-up Rebuttals

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) In the department "nice turn downs" there's this one: I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?

3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

8.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"

9.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a rail-road spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."

10.) Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

11.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

12.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.

13.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

14.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

15.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

16.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

17.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up come chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

18.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second andthen delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.

19.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

20.) Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a reallygood time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."


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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean):

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means):

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)


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SEMINARS FOR MALES

1. Combating stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas--give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming home drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my skills")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- even when you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetance
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "It" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a " bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependacy
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson,
especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home


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I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm Glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, beernuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erection,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown,
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab you hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
And when I lean over, you can't see 3 inches of crack.
What's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
And I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it's a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see,
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club for Men, or think with my Dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!


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The Guy Quotient

Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
--1--He is legally within the basepath,
--2--Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
--3-- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: "A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones."
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life."
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer."

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

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Why do little boys whine?
- Because they are practicing to be men.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
- They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
- We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
- Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
- All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- ONE ....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
- Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
- A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
- Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
- Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
- Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
- "My wife says..."

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
- To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
- To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
- To knock the balls off the smart ones.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
- They all already have boyfriends.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
- When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

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