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Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the
dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are
stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for
whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm
thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the
dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to
be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants
wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht,
ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will
do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't
your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't
ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on
her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked
it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everthing. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially
female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them
--- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes. 25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You
may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an
answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question:
"Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer:
"Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning.
Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica
of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back...Diss her
again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else , don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with
YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to
cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I
don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it.
You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh
loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it
is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for
them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so
I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few
minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted
to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on
top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt.
Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and
do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do
it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one
rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way
you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do
it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me
Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!
TEN THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY NEVER
UNDERSTAND..... A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all
in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we
eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their
nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us.
Still, it's annoying that women
spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they
do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never
understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest
and most expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road
vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling
equipment is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for
terms like "professional" or "industrial strength",
because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined
himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little
more than childish wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone
level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once
boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating
theatre-quality air." I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak
knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the
right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males -- which is
why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you should not be
surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans, and a
tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to
discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse to dodge
those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really
happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is
a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if
we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy
conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair
virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half
right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a
dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic
components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually
leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread
all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men
can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a
man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and
routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will
usually take this as evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a
pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally
united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old
axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth
so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation.
For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of
feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a
misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go
into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only
thing that ever makes us feel any better.
7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV, they plug
right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost
anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which
probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve
this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.
8. Our sense of humour.
When women say that what they most want
from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from
what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who
makes beer come out of his nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies
heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed
expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing
become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to
combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for
gossip, but we tend to
reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the
drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek"
episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates,
Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss
the fastest way to get to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch,
whatever you like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness of
this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign
from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman
a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.
A new two year degree is being offered
at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A
REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS--Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 A.M.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an A-hole
When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (How is leaving the seat up any
less rude than leaving the seat down ???????) One wonders.
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming
Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest--You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -- Especially Naked
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your
Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay
1. EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted
around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. NOSEY : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as he had
already, comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT : All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
floor.
7. WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly
or bug.
9. ABSENT-MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH : Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the
bubbles.
11. SNEAKY : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man
in next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free
hand.
13. DESPARATE : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16. FAT : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.
17. LITTLE : Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
21. IMPATIENT : Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in
front of him.
22. HUNTER : Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses,
but does scare the shit out of himself.
23. WITHDRAWN : Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminates
noise.
24. CROSS-EYED : Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the
center, flushes one on the right.
25. CURIOUS : Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.
26. COMPETITIVE : Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.
27. SHOW OFF : Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.
28. CONFUSED : Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny
sinks.
1.) Man: "Haven't we met
before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) In the department "nice turn
downs" there's this one: I'll have to think about that, thinking
makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's
not, okay?
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my
place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
4.) Man: "I'd really like to get
into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a
turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in
residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
6.) Man: "I'd like to call you.
What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
7.) Man: "So what do you do for a
living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
8.) Man: "You know, I'd really love
to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
9.) I like the line I once heard in a
movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him,
"Can you pound a rail-road spike through a 2x4 with your
hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says,
"Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
10.) Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher
avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."(I would
love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
11.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
12.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells
her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back
at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and
nonchalantly walks off.
13.) And here's one including the
correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
14.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
15.) A girlfriend of mine once had a
graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college
with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one
glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't
born yet."
16.) A friend of mine came up with a
very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I
glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to
me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me
came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was
mistaken."
17.) While at college, a few friends
were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the
intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it
once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something
like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason!"
She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up come chicks!" He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
18.) The attractive young woman was
sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm
here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual
fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she
moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to
the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second andthen delivered the
crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy
turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.
19.) "Sorry, I don't date outside
my species."
20.) Man: "Hey, baby, if you come
home with me, I can show you a reallygood time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks
that your body can't cash."
Top
10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean):
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually
means):
1. Combating stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas--give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming home drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my
skills")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- even when you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetance
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "It" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a "
bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependacy
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel
Gibson,
especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
I'm Glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I
am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, beernuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erection,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown,
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab you hooters, I won't pinch
your butt,
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I
could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
And when I lean over, you can't see 3 inches of crack.
What's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
And I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege
for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you
see,
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club for Men, or think with my Dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz
to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced
society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a
token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease,
providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and
poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the
United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality
of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and
pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one
of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
--1--He is legally within the basepath,
--2--Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
--3-- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: "A
funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones."
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life."
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer."
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for
several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking
whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have
some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of
you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you
truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and
all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and
tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars
in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes
up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or
anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set
of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a
dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this
would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she
is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most
reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over
the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single
greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would
score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for
knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
