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Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is this true, or even partially true?

A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat. So, to fulfill all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness.

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Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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HOMER SIMPSON'S "DO RE MI BEER"

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,
Ray, the guy who sells me beer,
Me, the guy who's drinking beer,
Far, a long way to go for beer,
So, I'll have another beer,
La, I'll have another beer,
Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer....
that will bring us back to....... D'oh

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BEER PRAYER

Our Brewer
Who art in Newlands
Hallowed be thy beer

Thy castle come
Thy Lion will be drunken -- at home
As it is in shebeens

Give us this day our daily dop
And forgive us for drinking
Coke and Fanta
As we forgive those who drink
Tea and Coffee

Lead us not into soberness
But deliver us to the nearest
Bottlestore
For we are the Drinkers
The Drunkards and the Alcoholics
Forever and ever
Amstel

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25 Good Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

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A few words to live by....

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

People who drink "light beer" don't really like the taste of beer; they
just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Put it back in the horse."
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after
drinking his first American beer.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
--
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
--
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--his reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

"American Beer is a lot like making love in a row boat; it's f--king
close to water"
--Monty Python's Eric Idle

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

Beer is good food.
--John Goodman

So, you don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
--Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer: If you can't taste it, why bother?

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
--Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry
Manilow.
--Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.
I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find
that workouts cut into my drinking time.
--A Wolverine is Eating My Leg (Lewis Grizzard? Roy Blount,Jr.?)

Friends don't let friends drink Miller.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot: don't put anything in your beer that a pig
wouldn't eat.
--David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
--Edward Abbey

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Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.

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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her
house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out
of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Whaddaya say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, Sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening, everybody."
EVERYBODY: "Norm!!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddaya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey, Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.' "

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean, Pour!"

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

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