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God Bless America!, Features Religious Jokes of all kinds, THE TOP 16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE, The REAL Story of the origin of the TEN COMMANDMENTS, Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Moses (Exodus 2:16-21).  

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16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

15. Find a prostitute and marry her. Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

14. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

9. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. David (I Samuel 18:27)

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) Cain (Genesis

7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). David (2 Samuel 11)

4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

2. A wife? ... NOT!!! Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

1. Become sinless and die in atonement for others; then you can marry a whole bunch of people. Jesus (Revelation 15?)

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The REAL Story of the origin of the TEN COMMANDMENTS

While everyone talks about the famous 10 Commandments, few people know the real story of their origin, only recently discovered by archeologists in the Middle East.

God was traveling in the Middle East, when He saw the King of Assyria, and asked "Do you want some Commandments?"

King: "What are they?"

God: "Rules to live by"

King: I don't understand. Give me an example"

God: "Well, here is a typical one: Thou Shall Not Kill/Murder"

King: Hey, I have an Empire to run; I could not operate effectively with such a restriction. Forget it".

So God went on until He came to Egypt, and met the Pharaoh.

God:" Do you want some Commandments?"

Pharaoh:"What are they?"

God: "Rules to live by"

Pharaoh:"I don't understand. Give me an example"

God: "Well, here is a typical one: Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery"

Pharaoh:" What! Get out of here!"

So God left Egypt and went into the Sinai, where He met Moses, who was wandering in the desert.

God:" Do you want some Commandments?"

Moses: "How much do they cost?"

God: "They are free."

Moses: "Well, then I'll take ten of them"

PS: We should be glad that Moses was metric rather than English; otherwise we would have a dozen Commandments.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass the priest asked the Monsignor how he did. The Monsignor replied, "Well when I am nervous during a Mass I simply put a glass of vodka next my water glass; that has always seemed to help". The new priest decided to take the Monsignor's advice and on his next Mass had a large glass of Vodka next to his water glass. As the service began, the priest picked up the vodka and began talking up a storm. After the service the priest found the following note pinned to his door:

1.Sip the Vodka - don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "Late J.C."
7.The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not refered to as "Bid Daddy, junior and the spook"
8.David slew Goliath, He did not kick the shit out of him...
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say "He was stoned off his ass"
10.Do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T"
11.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub - thanks for the grub - yeah God"
12.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at Saint Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.

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These two nuns were painting their house. They didn't want to get their clothes dirty, so they stripped naked while they were painting the room. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door so the one nun sez "Who is it?" and the reply comes. "I'm the blind man".

So they think, what the hell, he's blind and he wont see them. So she opens the door.

They guy walks in and says "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"

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There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."

"That's okay," He quipps. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and suprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"

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This little boy was sittin one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and he decided to talk to the little boy. The boy had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher seeing this said, what cha doin with that water? The little boy studied the contents of the jar for a minute and said.

Preacher this here is Turpintine. It's the strongest liquid in the world.

The preacher immediately said to the little boy, son Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant womans belly she will pass a baby boy?

The little boy thought about this one for a minute and said to the preacher. Oh no sir this is still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats back it will pass a motorcycle!!!!

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God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off".

A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!"

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Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windsheild washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, " says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts the first nun.

"Show him your cross," says the second.

So she winds the window down and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"

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