MarkThiSpot.com,
Features Religious Jokes of all kinds, THE TOP 16 BIBLICAL WAYS
TO ACQUIRE A WIFE, The REAL Story of the origin of the TEN
COMMANDMENTS, Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him
by watering his flock. Moses (Exodus 2:16-21).
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16. Find an attractive
prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give
her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
15. Find a prostitute and
marry her. Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
14. Find a man with seven
daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
13. Purchase a piece of
property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
12. Go to a party and hide.
When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your
wife. Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
11. Have God create a wife
for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. Adam (Genesis
2:19-24)
10. Agree to work seven
years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into
marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you
wanted to marry in the first place. Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
9. Cut 200 foreskins off of
your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. David
(I Samuel 18:27)
8. Even if no one is out
there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's
all relative of course.) Cain (Genesis
4:16-17)
7. Become the emperor of a
huge nation and hold a beauty contest. Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
6. When you see someone you
like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now
get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say,
"Get her for me. She's the one for me." Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
5. Kill any husband and
take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). David (2 Samuel 11)
4. Wait for your brother to
die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). Onan and
Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
3. Don't be so picky. Make
up for quality with quantity. Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
2. A wife? ... NOT!!! Paul
(1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
1. Become sinless and die
in atonement for others; then you can marry a whole bunch of people. Jesus
(Revelation 15?)
The REAL Story of the
origin of the TEN COMMANDMENTS
While everyone talks about
the famous 10 Commandments, few people know the real story of their
origin, only recently discovered by archeologists in the Middle East.
God was traveling in the
Middle East, when He saw the King of Assyria, and asked "Do you want
some Commandments?"
King: "What are
they?"
God: "Rules to live
by"
King: I don't understand.
Give me an example"
God: "Well, here is a
typical one: Thou Shall Not Kill/Murder"
King: Hey, I have an Empire
to run; I could not operate effectively with such a restriction. Forget
it".
So God went on until He
came to Egypt, and met the Pharaoh.
God:" Do you want some
Commandments?"
Pharaoh:"What are
they?"
God: "Rules to live
by"
Pharaoh:"I don't
understand. Give me an example"
God: "Well, here is a
typical one: Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery"
Pharaoh:" What! Get
out of here!"
So God left Egypt and went
into the Sinai, where He met Moses, who was wandering in the desert.
God:" Do you want some
Commandments?"
Moses: "How much do
they cost?"
God: "They are
free."
Moses: "Well, then
I'll take ten of them"
PS: We should be glad that
Moses was metric rather than English; otherwise we would have a dozen
Commandments.
A new priest at his first
mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass the priest asked
the Monsignor how he did. The Monsignor replied, "Well when I am
nervous during a Mass I simply put a glass of vodka next my water glass;
that has always seemed to help". The new priest decided to take the
Monsignor's advice and on his next Mass had a large glass of Vodka next to
his water glass. As the service began, the priest picked up the vodka and
began talking up a storm. After the service the priest found the following
note pinned to his door:
1.Sip the Vodka - don't
gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "Late J.C."
7.The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not refered to as "Bid Daddy,
junior and the spook"
8.David slew Goliath, He did not kick the shit out of him...
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say
"He was stoned off his ass"
10.Do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T"
11.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub - thanks
for the grub - yeah God"
12.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at Saint Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.
These two nuns were
painting their house. They didn't want to get their clothes dirty, so they
stripped naked while they were painting the room. A few minutes later
there is a knock on the door so the one nun sez "Who is it?" and
the reply comes. "I'm the blind man".
So they think, what the
hell, he's blind and he wont see them. So she opens the door.
They guy walks in and says
"Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"
There was once this guy and
a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well,
doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy
suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his
lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time
to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He
quipps. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll
pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down
to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a
heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in
sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three
nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved
cigarettes in one hand.
The first nun walks over to
the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She
exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he
drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.
The second nun strolls
over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it,
too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his
chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.
The third nun was the
unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass,
and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam
again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with
sudden realization and suprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion
dispenser!"
This little boy was sittin
one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and he decided to talk to the
little boy. The boy had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he
was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The
Preacher seeing this said, what cha doin with that water? The little boy
studied the contents of the jar for a minute and said.
Preacher this here is
Turpintine. It's the strongest liquid in the world.
The preacher immediately
said to the little boy, son Holy water is the strongest liquid in the
world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant womans
belly she will pass a baby boy?
The little boy thought
about this one for a minute and said to the preacher. Oh no sir this is
still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats back
it will pass a motorcycle!!!!
God decided he needed a
vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God
said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.
Another aide suggested
Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years
ago and froze my ass off".
A third advisor suggested
Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was
there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some
Jewish bitch!"
Two nuns are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!"
shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield
wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says the second.
She switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do
now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the
windsheild washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, "
says the second.
Dracula steams as the water
burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?"
shouts the first nun.
"Show him your
cross," says the second.
So she winds the window
down and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"
