Features Top Ten Reasons Hockey is Better Than Sex, NERDS
vs. JOCKSIn answer to
the eternal question, "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?" I submit the following:Michael
Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute,
assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
1. It's legal to play
2. The puck is always hard.
3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full hour.
5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you score.
7. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
8. Periods only last 20 minutes.
9. You can count on it at least twice a week.
10. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
A man who just got a raise
decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and
asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says
to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way
up on that hill".
The man takes a look
through the scope, and starts laughing. "What`s so funny?" asks
"I see a naked man and
a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I`ll
give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife`s head off and shoot the guy`s dick off."
The man takes another look
through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that
with one shot!"
A man complained to his
friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered,
"Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had
nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited
the $10.00. The computer started making some
noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out
popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while
thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be
fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back
to the drug store,located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
The machine again made the
usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
1. In order to call
Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" long as
the driver verifies the call.
2. SHOTGUN MAY ONLY BE
CALLED IF ALL OCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE ARE OUTSIDE AND ON THE WAY TO SAID
3. Early calls are strictly
prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle
and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never
be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the
For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the
4. The driver has final say
in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove
all shotgun priviledges from one or more persons.
These special exceptions to
the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case
listed first will take precendence over any of the cases beneath it, when
1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or
otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is
automatically given Shotgun.
2. If the instance that the
person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is
automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3. In the instance the the
driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is
going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun,
unless they decline.
4. In the instance that one
of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that
the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill
person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5. In the instance that
only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is
not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they
automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6. In the instance that one
of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat,
then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit.
Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the
poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
The Bastard Rules *
1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Bastard Rules on the
process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting 1.4, are
suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by
2. The driver must announce
the institution of the Bastard Rules with reasonable warning to all
passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and
the damage done to the vehicle.
Please follow the above
rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or
exceptions not covered in these rules, the driver calls the shots.
A beer's life does not
revolve around the football.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
A Wife is a woman who: plays bridge, tennis, golf, and dumb.
A handicapped golfer is one who play's his boss
A Skydiver is taken by the gravity of his situation.
ACADEMY(n): modern school where football is taught
As screwed up as a football bat.
Avid golfers have a fairway look in their eyes.
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
Bowling - the 2nd most popular indoor sport!
Bungee jumping, sport of fools.
Cardassians enjoy bloodsport fights between Voles and Tribbles.
CyberSport...The Thrill Of Access...The Agony Of Disconnecting.
Def: Golfer: A person who hits and lies.
Don't you got a football game to go to?
Dunebogey - Golf course sand trap.
Fandemonium: Noise that breaks out at a sporting event.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard
Football is for men: Baseball is for intelligent men..
Football: violence with committee meetings.
Funatic: The school mascot at a sporting event.
Gang: Poorly financed football teams.
GOLFER - Yells "Fore!", takes Five, writes down Three.
GOLFERS get teed off.
Golf Tip #17: To get more distance, smack the ball and run backwards.
Golf is a good walk spoiled - Mark Twain
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
Golf separates the men from the poise.
Golf spelled backwards is FLOG!
Golf: Baseball for those that don't have 8 friends.
Good sex never gets an instant replay, but bad sports calls do.
Hard Drive - Baseball, Golf and Football, oh, Computers.
He is so cheap, he quit golf when he lost his ball.
How about that ... local sports team!? -- Monty Burns to his workers
How do golfers celebrate? Par tee.
How do nudists play Flag Football?
I divorced my wife because of her obsession with football.
I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
I wasn't speeding officer, I was skydiving horizontally.
Ideological Games are true sport.
I'm Too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
If you cut open a golf ball, the juice inside will explode.
Impassable: A wet football.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
It's all fun and games, 'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
It's not sport if you can talk afterwards.
Klingon Adaptation of Earth Sport: Full-contact golf.
Learn to fly. Skydive.
Lepper sportscast: "And it's a face-off!"
Lepper sportscast: "He lost his head over that one!"
Life is NOT a spectator sport!
MOM'S HINT #017: Be a good sport.
Male Child Abuse: Football in school and calling it education.
Male bonding: Half a dozen guys glued to a TV watching football.
Man hunts in sport... the beast dies in earnest.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the
Monday: The day after the football game.
Monolith Golf Course: "My God, it's full of pars!"
More lies are told on the golf course than to the IRS
My favorite football team is whoever plays the Cowboys
My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one.
New car, caviar, four star daydream, think I'll buy me a football team
NUDE GOLF - New meaning to the phrase "Nice Swing"
Never play golf with Lorena Bobbit... she has a wicked slice!
Nocturnal golfers enjoy swinging nightclubs.
Old: When you are: 17 neck, 44 waist, and shoot 106 in golf.
Pig ben: The huge time clock in a football stadium.
Porcineflingus: The two-minute offense a losing football team runs.
Pro football is like nuclear warfare. No winners, just survivors.
Puttsway - Leaning/teetering movements performed by golfers.
Reflog a golfer.
Remember when SEX was SAFE and SKYDIVING was DANGEROUS?
Roman football: Hut I, Hut III, Hut V, Hut VIII, Hut X. HIKE...
Skydiving! Good till the last drop...
Skydiving: Gravity powered, adrenaline fueled!
Skydiving..Only one direction---No decisions!!
Sports Nut: An athletic supporter.
Start mail download. Grab a beer. Watch some football: Multitasking.
Ten Laps To Go... We Take You Now to PGA Golf.
The I'm not afraid of Skydiving by Hugo First
The Iraq Country Club - 18,000 hole golf course!
The centers of golf balls are filled with honey.
The trouble with being a good sport is you have to lose to prove it.
The WWF is to sports what Spam is to meat!
Too bad this isn't the Wide World Of Sports.
Useless Invention: Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
Wedge: A golfers' landscaping tool
What do 150 Smurfs do at a football game? ... The Blue Wave!
What does a Vorlon football uniform look like?
Why don't the blind skydive? The dogs hate it.
You gotta play by my rules, It's my football.
Your beer will always wait in the car while you play football.
Zen football: A long pass out of the I formation.
A burglary was recently
committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room
were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue
The seven dwarves are down
in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and
yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are
good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at
least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore
change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones
George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp
offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida
but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's
like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding
on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest
Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining
this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need
A man desperate at Villa's
current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last
moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in
stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your
British Rail have decided
to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of
their regular points failures.
Rumour has it that Villa
have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate
change as the club is going through a very bad period.
Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours
away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and
she was very tired.
dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull
onto a side road and rest.
turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious
an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring
her half to death.
to wake you,' he huffed, jogging in place. 'But can you tell me what time
glanced at her watch. '8:15,' she said through the glass.
old man thanked her, then left.
my luck,' she muttered. 'I'm parked on someone's jogging route.'
a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.
male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been
dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.
the blond jogger said.
you have the time?' his brown-haired friend asked.
sighed and looked at her watch. '8:19,' she said.
they said, then jogged off.
looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she
retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME'
on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the
window and settled back to sleep.
thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.
pointed at the sign and shouted, 'Can't you read?'
which he replied, 'Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's
What did the bumble bee
striker say ?
Hive scored !
Where do footballers dance
At a football !
Hours after the end of the
world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. G-d, all mighty,
invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute
quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and
earth. Adonai, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting
your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the
"good" players go to heaven?' the devil, smiling, responded
'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
What is the difference
between a striker and a puppy?
A puppy will eventually stop whining.
What's the best place to
shop for a soccer shirt?
What where the soccer stars
first words as a baby?
Look Ma, no hands.
Why do soccer players have
so much trouble eating popcorn?
They think that they can't use they're hands.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on
my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen
sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from
the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know
when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was
He quickly answered
"Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
A man phones home from the office and
tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go
fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right
away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my
blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and
A week later he returns. His wife asks,
"Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to
pack my blue silk pajamas."
An Englishman waiting to
tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking
affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by
a leash and the rest of the people were walking in a straight line behind
the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the
dog and asks " Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion.
but I have never seen such a string funeral. the dog and all the people
walking in a straight line???"
The man with the dog
answers "This is my wife's funeral."
"But why the
dog?" asks the Englishman.
"She died because this
dog here bit her," said the man with the dog.
"Very sorry to hear
that. Would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?"
"Sure" says the man with the dog, "get to the back of the
There are these friends who
play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting
ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them.
The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it
was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got
curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The
stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The
man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it
everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'
So one of the guys decided
he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with
a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I
can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the
rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even
see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she
beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This
upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, 'It's
$1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
The man said, '$1000, ouch!
Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth.
She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to
shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my
The hit man agrees so he
gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes.
Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is
waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save
you a thousand bucks.'