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The latest PC lingo


To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."


Link Rot

The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.


Chip Jewelry

A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."



A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"



A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."



A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.


Dorito Syndrome

Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."


Under Mouse Arrest

Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."



Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"



Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."


Dead Tree Edition

The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."



Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.


Graybar Land

The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."


Open-Collar Workers

People who work at home or telecommute.


Squirt The Bird

To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"


Cobweb Site

A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.


It's a Feature

From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.


Keyboard Plaque

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."


Career-Limiting Move (CLM)

Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.


Elvis Year

The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."


Alpha Geek

The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."



People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."


Gray Matter

Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.



To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."



Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.



The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.


Salmon Day

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.



A Web document that was shoveled from paper onto the Web, help system, or whatever without much effort to adapt it to the new medium. Betrayed by, among other things, papercentric phrases like "See page so-and-so," "later in this booklet," and so forth.

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Computer Terminology

ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
BACKUP: Opposite of go forward
BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
BIT: 12-1/2 cents
BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)
BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature. 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
CODING: An addictive drug
COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer
CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words
DUMP: A system programmer's work area
FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative
HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages
LOOP: See loop
MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any machine
MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
ONLINE: The idea that a human should always be accessible
PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

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PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

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Title: Glossary for Computer Lover's Recipes #1
Categories: Info, Glossary
Yield: 1 servings

1. ACCELERATOR: Microwave
3. ALT: As in "alt and pepper to taste"
4. ASCII: Callii Tech Support
5. AUTOEXEC.BAT: Cookies in your boss' car
6. BACKSLASH: Do to piecrust before cooking
7. BACKUP: Leftovers
8. BASIC: PBJ Sandwich
9. BATCH: Mess o'
10. BINARY: Buy nary, eat nary
11. BLOCK: Cake baked with no eggs
12. BOOT: Heat your oven
13. CACHE: Do when egg is rolling off counter
14. CAD: Someone who promises to cook, then doesn't
15. CD: When you don't core apples before baking
16. CLUSTER: Kitchen advisors
17. COMMAND: Tell someone else to cook
18. COMPRESS: Knead
19. CONFIG.SYS: Have your sister figure it out
20. COPY: Double recipe
21. CRASH: Drop main course at big dinner party
22. CTRL: What you lose after crashing
23. CURSOR: Who you are after crashing
24. CUSTOMIZE: Add sprinkles
25. DATA: Sort-a like-a fig-a
26. DEBUG: Check the flour before using
27. DIP-SWITCH: What you do when you're out of salsa
28. DIRECTORY: De place where de priest lives
29. DOCUMENT: Small, after-dinner candy
30. DOS: Dine Or Starve
31. DOT MATRIX: Dorothy's mother
32. DOWNLOAD: Pour batter into pan
33. DOWNTIME: Time while brownies are baking
34. DRAG: Time while brownies are baking

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The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary

:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a
sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear
voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or
sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for
what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last
statement or is upset or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie
but not quite as good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark.
Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark
was just made.

Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat
less common ones:

(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for
15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User juust made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with
a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a
double chin

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Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to
make midget smilies.

:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly
be your friend
=) Variation on a theme...
:} What should we call these? (what?)
:) Happy
:> what?
:@ what?
:D Laughter
:I Hmmm...
:( Sad
:[ Real Downer
:< what?
:{ what?
:O Yelling
:C what?
:Q what?
:,( Crying
[] Hugs and
:* Kisses
|I Asleep
|^o Snoring
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-@ smiley face screaming
:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-0 smiley orator
smiley invisible man
(:-( unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
):-) "
):-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-\ undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley
a double-chin
:-) ha ha
~~:-( net.flame
|-) hee hee
O |-) net.religion
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey
8 :-I net.unix-wizards
:-( boo hoo
X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh oh
>:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah
3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk
:-} beard
:-{ mustache
:-# braces
:-X bow tie
:-Q smoker
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
@:I turban
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
>:-< mad

Drama :-( Comedy :-)
Surpise :-o Suspense 8-|

Male :- Female >-
Birth |-O Death 8-#
Infinity 8

---<--{(@ Its a Rose!

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