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Terminology, USEFUL ACRONYMS, COMPUTER LOVER'S RECIPES, The
Unofficial Smilie Dictionary, Dilberted To be exploited and
oppressed by your boss,
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To be exploited and oppressed by your
boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic
strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the
specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page
became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or
die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined
to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three
grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless
Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin'
crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any
training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally
plug-and-play."
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with
all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and
dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional
content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a
bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online
service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put
me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your
eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings.
"Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second
session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World
Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document
you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking
him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication
available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree
edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print
media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at
a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the
gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what
seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite.
"Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been
updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug,
it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant
experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can
use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot
is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity.
"Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically
proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the
alpha geek around here."
Tourists
People who are taking training classes
just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious
students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired
by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and
established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future
reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him
after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's
less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes
suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode.
Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping
speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Shovelware
A Web document that was shoveled from
paper onto the Web, help system, or whatever without much effort to adapt
it to the new medium. Betrayed by, among other things, papercentric
phrases like "See page so-and-so," "later in this
booklet," and so forth.
• ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with
crushed nuts.
• BACKUP: Opposite of go forward
• BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
• BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
• BIT: 12-1/2 cents
• BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer
club)
• BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
• BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature. 2. An elusive creature living
in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: The activity of
"debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a
programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
• CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office,
divided by the floor space
• COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
• COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error
messages
• CODING: An addictive drug
• COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
• COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
• CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer
• CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words
• DUMP: A system programmer's work area
• FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing
representative
• HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
• KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
• LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages
• LOOP: See loop
• MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any
machine
• MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
• NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
• ONLINE: The idea that a human should always be accessible
• PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer
Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
1. ACCELERATOR: Microwave
2. ACCESS DENIED: Diet Time
3. ALT: As in "alt and pepper to taste"
4. ASCII: Callii Tech Support
5. AUTOEXEC.BAT: Cookies in your boss' car
6. BACKSLASH: Do to piecrust before cooking
7. BACKUP: Leftovers
8. BASIC: PBJ Sandwich
9. BATCH: Mess o'
10. BINARY: Buy nary, eat nary
11. BLOCK: Cake baked with no eggs
12. BOOT: Heat your oven
13. CACHE: Do when egg is rolling off counter
14. CAD: Someone who promises to cook, then doesn't
15. CD: When you don't core apples before baking
16. CLUSTER: Kitchen advisors
17. COMMAND: Tell someone else to cook
18. COMPRESS: Knead
19. CONFIG.SYS: Have your sister figure it out
20. COPY: Double recipe
21. CRASH: Drop main course at big dinner party
22. CTRL: What you lose after crashing
23. CURSOR: Who you are after crashing
24. CUSTOMIZE: Add sprinkles
25. DATA: Sort-a like-a fig-a
26. DEBUG: Check the flour before using
27. DIP-SWITCH: What you do when you're out of salsa
28. DIRECTORY: De place where de priest lives
29. DOCUMENT: Small, after-dinner candy
30. DOS: Dine Or Starve
31. DOT MATRIX: Dorothy's mother
32. DOWNLOAD: Pour batter into pan
33. DOWNTIME: Time while brownies are baking
34. DRAG: Time while brownies are baking
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is
used to inflect a
sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear
voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or
sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for
what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last
statement or is upset or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie
but not quite as good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark.
Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark
was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some
somewhat
less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for
15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User juust made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with
a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a
double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to
make midget smilies.
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly
be your friend
=) Variation on a theme...
:} What should we call these? (what?)
:) Happy
:> what?
:@ what?
:D Laughter
:I Hmmm...
:( Sad
:[ Real Downer
:< what?
:{ what?
:O Yelling
:C what?
:Q what?
:,( Crying
[] Hugs and
:* Kisses
|I Asleep
|^o Snoring
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-@ smiley face screaming
:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-0 smiley orator
smiley invisible man
(:-( unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
):-) "
):-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-\ undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley
with
a double-chin
:-) ha ha
~~:-( net.flame
|-) hee hee
O |-) net.religion
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey
8 :-I net.unix-wizards
:-( boo hoo
X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh oh
>:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah
3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk
:-} beard
:-{ mustache
:-# braces
:-X bow tie
:-Q smoker
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
@:I turban
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
>:-< mad
