Back To Joke Page.

The ABSOLUTE WORST Things To Say To A Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No donut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nigthstand.

12. I pay your salary!

13. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too.

15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

16. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

19.Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Back To Joke Page.

64 Ways to Piss off Cops

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Touch him.
6. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8. Refer to him by his first name.
9. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
16. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
17. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
18. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
19. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
20. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
21. Trip and fall into him.
22. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
24. Chew on the pen, nervously.
25. Clean your ear with the pen.
26. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
28. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
29. Act like you are retarded.
30. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31. Or mumble to yourself.
32. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
33. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
34. Ask if they know how to make the donuts..
35. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36. Ask if he watches Cops.
37. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38. Giggle if he did.
39. Talk to your hand.
40. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
41. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
42. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
44. Try to sell him your car.
45. Ask if you can buy his car.
46. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47. Play with the siren.
48. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56. Turn your head and whistle.
57. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60. Ask if you can see his gun.
61. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
62. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63. Tell him you like men in uniform.
64. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

Back To Joke Page.

101 Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (inthe No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're antasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... oman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Back To Joke Page.