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MarkThiSpot.com, Features Woman Jokes, WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN & MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE HANDWRITING:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their"i's" with circles & hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

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Being a bachelor, I have often been the victim of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives have fixed me up with girls whom they describe as "Perfect for you". However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, I have attempted to translate some of their descriptive phrases into plain English:

She's a dandy little house keeper. ~means~ She has been married three times and kept all the houses.

She has a wonderful disposition, a fine character and a spotless reputation. ~means~ she's ugly

She loves children ~means~ she's pregnant and needs a husband.

She has a great sense of humor ~means~ she's fat.

She is the outdoor type. ~means~ She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the fellows.

She's ready to settle down. ~means~ she is over thirty, in panic and dying to marry.

She likes to have a good time and is lots of fun at parties. ~means~ she gets drunk and makes an ass of herself.

She is a mature woman yet has the appearance of a young school girl ~means~ she is twenty eight, looks thirty eight, but dresses like she were eighteen.

She is casual ~means~ she dresses like a slob and her apartment looks like a pig pen.

She seldom dates, but would like to go out with you ~means~ she is a lesbian who needs an occasional date to ward off suspicion.

She understands men ~means~ she has been married and divorced four times.

She's a good sport ~means~ she knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.

She looks and dresses like a model ~means~ she is five eleven, weighs seventy three pounds and wears her hair like Joe Cocker.

She is a well known show business personality who has appeared before thousands. ~means~ she is the bearded lady in the traveling side show.

She has traveled a lot and met many interesting people ~means~ she has looked everywhere for a husband and hasn't found one yet.


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Introducing FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!


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MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 130 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1) Surface usually covered with a painted film
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) Melts when treated properly
4) Bitter if incorrectly used
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common crude
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4) Most powerful money-reducing agent known

COMMON USES

1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) Can be great aid to relaxation

TESTS

1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) Illegal to possess more than one


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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN & MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their"i's" with circles & hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators, and 20 to 30 minutes later, there still will be some uncertainty and
discussion as to who owes what.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,razor, a bar of Dial soap, a towel from the Holiday Inn and a magazine. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about 8 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."


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POLITICALLY CORRECT FEMALE TERMS

She does not: GET PMS
She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT


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Womanspeak - English Dictionary

Womanspeak
English
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure... go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset,you moron.
You're ... so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
I'll be ready in minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm not yelling! Yes, I am yelling, because I think this is important.
Was that the baby ? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
In answer to "What's wrong?":  
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

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