Features Woman Jokes, WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN & MEN LISTEN
IN TESTOSTERONE HANDWRITING:To their credit, men do not decorate
their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented,
colored stationary and they dot their"i's" with
circles & hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to
read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping you, she'll put
a smiley face at the end of the note.
Being a bachelor, I have often been the
victim of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives have
fixed me up with girls whom they describe as "Perfect for you".
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these
girls may be like. After considerable research, I have attempted to
translate some of their descriptive phrases into plain English:
She's a dandy little house keeper.
~means~ She has been married three times and kept all the houses.
She has a wonderful disposition, a fine
character and a spotless reputation. ~means~ she's ugly
She loves children ~means~ she's
pregnant and needs a husband.
She has a great sense of humor ~means~
She is the outdoor type. ~means~ She
hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the fellows.
She's ready to settle down. ~means~ she
is over thirty, in panic and dying to marry.
She likes to have a good time and is
lots of fun at parties. ~means~ she gets drunk and makes an ass of
She is a mature woman yet has the
appearance of a young school girl ~means~ she is twenty eight, looks
thirty eight, but dresses like she were eighteen.
She is casual ~means~ she dresses like a
slob and her apartment looks like a pig pen.
She seldom dates, but would like to go
out with you ~means~ she is a lesbian who needs an occasional date to ward
She understands men ~means~ she has been
married and divorced four times.
She's a good sport ~means~ she knows two
hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.
She looks and dresses like a model
~means~ she is five eleven, weighs seventy three pounds and wears her hair
like Joe Cocker.
She is a well known show business
personality who has appeared before thousands. ~means~ she is the bearded
lady in the traveling side show.
She has traveled a lot and met many
interesting people ~means~ she has looked everywhere for a husband and
hasn't found one yet.
This new product will reduce your
communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often
leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications
with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even
what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to
advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are
communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.
You may find that FeMail reduces your
unecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will
intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a
determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The
FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail
systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.
Messages that are received from other
Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will
reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or
parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two
hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer
be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your
FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to
In fact, you may find that the FeMail
methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail
responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you
thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to
agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail
is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting
to justify opposing logic.
The FeMail package includes modules for
Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some
you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package
is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of
interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).
You will find yourself becoming
dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the
FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself
changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.
The FeMail is extremely comprehensive,
and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The
instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact
openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should
never interact with someone elses FeMail, even in a conversational mode,
and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications
links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you
believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued
interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a
security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with
your own FeMail.
Because of the complexity and high-level
of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar
month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this
particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored
closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may
misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time.
This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its
inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.
Should a misinterpretation occur, your
FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the
misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not
necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these
recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the
operation of the FeMail system.
Obtain Femail today, and you will be
surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 130 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
1) Surface usually covered with a
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) Melts when treated properly
4) Bitter if incorrectly used
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common crude
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver,
platinum and precious stones
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4) Most powerful money-reducing agent known
1) Highly ornamental, especially in
2) Can be great aid to relaxation
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when
discovered in natural state
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
1) Highly dangerous except in
2) Illegal to possess more than one
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN & MEN LISTEN
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their"i's" with circles & hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators, and 20 to 30
minutes later, there still will be some uncertainty and
discussion as to who owes what.
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,razor, a
bar of Dial soap, a towel from the Holiday Inn and a magazine. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be
able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about 8 years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he
will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
episodes of "Love, American Style."
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Yes, I am yelling, because I
think this is important.
Was that the baby ?
Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep.
You have to learn to communicate.
Just agree with me.
How much do you love me?
I did something today you're
really not going to like
Do you like this recipe?
It's easy to fix, so you'd better
get used to it.
You'll be sorry.
In answer to "What's
The same old thing.
My PMS is acting up.
It's just that you're such an
I don't want to talk about it.
Go away, I'm still building up
All we're going to buy is a soap
It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need
to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD there's a sale in
lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom
and did you bring your checkbook?