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Okay, so a lady walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't see many ladies in here." The lady gets flustered and doesn't know what to say. The bartender says "Look, we don't serve ladies here."

The lady tosses back a Manhattan and says "Sure, but don't hit me so hard with the hammer."


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Okay, so a kangaroo walks into a bar. A midget gets close to the kangaroo and says "Give me ten bucks and I'll nail your feet to the floor." The kangaroo says "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender says "Look, you seem like a nice kangaroo. Give me a hundred bucks and I'll make it worth your while."

So the kangaroo says "I'm a frayed knot!"


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A Californian walks into a bar. The bartender says "Look, you seem like a nice Californian. Give me a hundred bucks and I'll make it worth your while." The Californian says "I'm not a Californian, I'm a pig!" A dog says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a Californian"?

The Californian says "Whoa! I must look like a real idiot!"


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A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"


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So this lady walks into a bar. A kangaroo cozies up to the lady and stands up and says "For fifty bucks I'll give you a night you'll never forget." The lady quickly downs six tequila shots, one after the other. The kangaroo gets close to the lady and says "Give me a hundred bucks and I'll pull down your pants."

So the lady yells "Who the hell is Pat Buchanan?"


Okay, so a guy walks into a bar. A nun cozies up to the guy and says "For ten bucks I'll go upstairs with you and show you more pleasure than you can possibly imagine." The guy says "Whatever." The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you hold this pencil between your ass cheeks?"

So the guy holds the nun over his whiskey and yells "Spit it out you bastard!"


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Rottweiler at bar


Paddy was standing at the bar with a Rottweiler at his feet.

'Does your dog bite, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'No,' replied Paddy.

So Mick went to pat the dog and the dog just about tore Mick's arm off.

'I thought you said your dog didn't bite,' screamed Mick.

'That's not my dog,' replied Paddy.


 

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as
a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely
responded, "Drink whiskey and you wont get worms."


 

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and promptly
orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the
man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour
later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a
time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man
Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches
the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks
around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis
odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one
went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as
a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole
town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch
him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day,
the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all,
want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment,
then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are
alive and well. It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for
Lent."


 

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Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. 

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 
Your job is interfering with your drinking. 
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! 
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem! 
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 
Every woman you see has an exact twin. 
You fall off the floor. 
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner! 
The glass keeps missing your mouth. 
Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. 
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. 
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." 
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!" 


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Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." 
The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them." 

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots. 

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles." 

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house." 

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!" 


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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's sitting there, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then takes some peanuts and eats them. Then the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in the mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the man, "did you see what your monkey just did???"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off me pooltable, WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the man. "He eats everything in sight, that little bastard. I'll pay for everything." He finishes the drink, pays the bill and leaves.

Two weeks later the same man enters the bar again. He has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts jumping around the bar again. While the man is zipping his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar table. He grabs is, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see, what your monkey did this time?," he asks the man.

"Oh, no! Now what?"

"Well he stuck a cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the man. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball, he always measures it first!"


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A guy walks into a bar and notices a man talking to the bartender down at the other end. The guy does a doubletake because the man talking to the bartender really resembles Hitler. So the guy goes up to the man and says "Excuse me, but did anybody ever tell you that you look like Hitler?"

The man says "Oh, but I *am* Hitler. I have been reincarnated and I am back on Earth to kill 10 million Jews and 33 geese!"

"Oh, my God! That's terrible! But why 33 geese?"

Hitler then turns to the bartender and says "See? I told you nobody cares about the Jews."


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Q: What's the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time...


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A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold from Judo." and lets go. The first guy , figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.

Two minutes later, he finds himself in another hold, and the little fellow says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate." Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass.

Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do."

Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.

He turns to the bartender and says "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"


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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. 

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." 

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!" 


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Sign seen in a bar: 

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance." 


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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"


A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."


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This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."


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A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and say's "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajama's off I'm gonna fuck it!"


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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."


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One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", 
"I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."


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A punk with blue and purple hair walks into the bar sits down next to an old man and orders a drink.

After an hour of sitting there with the old man staring at him he goes "WHAT, HAVEN'T YOU DONE ANYTHING CRAZY IN YOUR LIFE??"

The old man goes "uh yep I once fucked a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son"


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A bar owner is looking for a new barmaid and interviews three candidates for the job.

He asks them all a question: If I dropped $10 dollars on the floor and you found it what would you do?

The first replys - I would keep it.

The second replys, I would give it to charity.

The thirds says she would hand it in.

Which one gets the job?

The one with the biggest tits of course.

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