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You can drink an ugly girl
pretty, but you can't drink a fat girl skinny.
GOVERNMENT
WARNING:
According
to the surgeon general, drinking beer can be part of a good party. Excessive
consumption of beer impairs your ability to use good judgment when sizing up a
member of the opposite sex. REMEMBER: DESIGNATE A DRIVER.
39 Signs You Know You Have A
Drinking Problem
1. You lose arguments with
inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth!
17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
19. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
20. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
asleep clothed. - hmm.
22. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
23. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
[Women].
24. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more
attractive.
25. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
26. I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
27. Roseanne looks good.
28. Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
29. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
30. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
31.You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
32. I'm as jober as a sudge.
33. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth
of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
34. You've fallen and you can't get up.
35. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the
ice pack....
36. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
37. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
38. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
39. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
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Russian Vodka
A Russian is strolling down
the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of
the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking,
"Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says,
"I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has
ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife,
"Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the
hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party
all night.
The next night the Russian
comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is
excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and
the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the
cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from
the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass
and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one
glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you
drink from the bottle."
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While most companies refrain
from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments
for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking
at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
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A
couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO;
it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other
"Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a
buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin'
buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode
if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great
- NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!
The
buddy says, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"
He
says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this
more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
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THE 90210 DRINKING GAME
OFFICIAL RULES: drink when any
of the following occur through an
episode:
1. Intro - 2 drinks, one for
the guitar, one for the drum machine
2. firm male handshakes - 1
3. anytime anyone says "hey bro" - 1 if Brandon says it - 2
4. Walsh parents in robes - 1
5. Donna's new cleavage - 1
6. anytime Valerie comes into the bathroom scantily dressed with Brandon present
- 1
7. exposed midrifs - 1
8. gentle scolding by parents - 1
9. anytime Steve hits on a girl - 1
10. any reference to Brenda - 1
11. anytime Donna sees David - 1
12. sympathy hugs - 1
13. substance abuse by Valerie - 2 drinks, abuse yourself with her!
14. anytime Dylan drinks, drink with the man!
15. Death - 3
16. any prediction made by a person who is playing that by the end of the
episode comes true - CHUG
17. random bad lines that merit a drink (must be voted on)
18. anytime Andrea whines - 1
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