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God Bless America!, Features Military Jokes, Top 10 Reasons for the U.S. to bomb Iraq,  Murphy's Military Laws, An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madamand says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

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* * * Top 10 Reasons for the U.S. to bomb Iraq * * *

10. Prove that a human shield is as ineffective as a wall of Jello.

9. Americans are tired of being politically correct.

8. Only leader of a country to get the 'Bozo Award' twice in less than a decade.

7. Everything but the sanctions will be lifted -- several hundred feet into the air.

6. Gives America a chance to try out the latest bomber technology without harming anyone of importance.

5. Be entertained by watching Iraqi military shoot at invisible planes.

4. Test new experimental Scud Lite missiles -- half the weight, but twice the fun.

3. Americans' VCR tapes of Desert Storm are getting old.

2. Saddam enjoyed Desert Storm so much he's requested a sequel.

1. No need to wait till the 4th of July for a good fireworks show.

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

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An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same."So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

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Murphy's Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

3. Friendly fire ain't.

4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

8. Incoming fire has the right of way.

9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

18a. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets. . .printed at different scales.

18b. All battles are fought uphill

18c. All battles are fought in the rain.

19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. Heinz Guderian

20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.

22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. George Patton

23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

24. Tracer works both ways.

25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. Attributed to Napoleon

27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. Karl von Clausewitz

28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.

29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. Douglas MacArthur

30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

34. Only numbers can annihilate. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

35a. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.

35b. Always know how to get out of Dodge.

36. Your equipment was made by he lowest bidder.

37. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.

38. Always honor a threat.

39. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

40. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. Charles Edward Montague

41. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

42. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

43. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)

44. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander. Jerry Pournelle

45. All warfare is based on deception. Sun Tzu (The Art of War)

46. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. Otto von Bismark

47. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.

48. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

49. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

50. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

51. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

52. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

53. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.

54. When in doubt empty the magazine.

55. Snow is not neutral. Frunze Military Academy Maxim

56. The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.

57. Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield. General Walter Bedell Smith

58. War is the unfolding of miscalculations. Barbara Tuchman

59. Perfect is the enemy of good enough. Soviet Admiral Gorshkov

60. He who wants do defend everything defends nothing. Frederick the Great

61. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

62. Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

63. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

64. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

65a. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.

65b. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.

66a. Mine fields are not neutral. They attack both armies.

66b. The Claymore you set now points at you.

67a. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.

67b. The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.

68a. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.

68b. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.

68c. To ensure this, the mortar team carries extra pins.

69. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.

70. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

71. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.

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An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madamand says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN." Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE." His penis immediately goes limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK,
ATTEN-HUN." (a raging hard-on once again) and then follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." (His penis goes limp once again.)

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the
demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN." (His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE." Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE." No luck, his penis is still hard.

He yells "god dammit" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those Fucking Indians!'"

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