Features Military Jokes, Top 10 Reasons for the
U.S. to bomb Iraq, Murphy's Military
Laws, An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the
madamand says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a
A young man
joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the
standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher
structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
did you jump?" the father asked.
let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant
opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and
just walked out of the plane!"
that when you jumped?" asked the father.
not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door."
you jump then?" asked the father.
getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on
the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me
to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
did you jump?"
then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said
to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
"No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big
around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy
some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices.
After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he
ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll
go and kill my own!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two
Marines who are doing the same."So the man went out into the Bayou,
and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water.
"They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point
he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The
Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just
as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his
spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already
lay.Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one
exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madamand says,
"My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"
immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl
they have for him.
Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips
while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says,
"My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a
master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN." Immediately, his penis
becomes fully erect.
prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.
Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and
I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE." His penis
immediately goes limp.
prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK,
ATTEN-HUN." (a raging hard-on once again) and then follows this
display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." (His
penis goes limp once again.)
prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the
demonstration yet again.
Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army
thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN."
(His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following
command, "DICK, AT EASE."
Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then
says, "apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE."
Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming,
and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE."
No luck, his penis is still hard.
"god dammit" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to
prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"
Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving
him a dishonorable discharge!!!"
eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He
called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the
last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out
of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be
return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To
his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo,
surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of
making love. Furious, he called the artist in.
the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your
interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look
at all those Fucking Indians!'"