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TO: Recent Windows98 buyers

FROM: Microsoft Sales

RE: Incorrect version

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Mississippi

version of Windows98 may have accidentally been shipped outside

Mississippi. If you have one of the Mississippi editions you may need

some help understanding the commands. The Mississippi edition may be

recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads Winders98 over a

background of General Lee superimposed on a confederate flag. It also

shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Other clues include the Recycle Bin renamed Outhouse, My Computer

renamed This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking renamed Good Ol'

Boys, Control Panel renamed Danged Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to

as the 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

- Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

- OK: ats aww-right

- cancel: hail no

- reset: awa shoot

- yes: shore

- no: Naaaa

- find: hunt-fer it

- go to: ovr yonder

- back: back yonder

- help: help me out here

- stop: tern it off

- start: crank it up

- settings: sittins

- programs: stuff at does stuff

- documents: stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

- tiperiter word processor

- colering book Graphics program

- addin mershene clculator

- outhouse paper notepad

- jupe-box CD player

- iner-net Microsoft Explorer

- pichers A graphics viewer

- IRS M/S accounting software

- IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files

- coon dog American Kennel Club records

- fishin Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records

- NRA National Rifle Association

- shot gun Remington Arms price list

- riffel Winchester price list

- pisstel Smith & Wesson price list

- truck Ford & Chevy Dealers in MS by zip code

- car same as truck just need separate lists in Mississippi

- cuzzins family history usually a 3 meg file

- tax records usually an empty file

- shells ammunition inventory another 3 meg file

- bud Budwiser distributers by zip code

- doc veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy

of the Mississippi edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a

replacement version.

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Farmer talk about computers...

* Log On - Makin' the wood stove hotter.
* Log Off - Don't add no more wood.
* Monitor - Keep an eye on th' wood stove.
* Download - Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
* Mega Hertz - When ya ain't careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
* Floppy Disk - Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
* Disk Operating System - Equipment Doc uses when you have a
floppy disk.
* RAM - The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work.
* Hard Drive - Gettin' home in mud season.
* Prompt - What you wish the mail was in mud season.
* Windows - What to shut when it's 30 below.
* Screen - What you need for bug season.
* Byte - What bugs do.
* Chip - What to munch on.
* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
* Infrared - Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
* Modem - What you did to the hay fields.
* Dot Matrix - John Matrix's wife.
* Printer - Someone who can't write in cursive.
* Lap Top - Where little kids feel comfy.
* Keyboard - Where you hang your keys.
* Software - Them plastic eatin' utensils.
* 486 - One of them fancy imported cars.
* Mouse - What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
* Main Frame - The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
* Port - Hole on top a th' silo
* Enter - C'mon in!
* Random Access Memory - When you suddenly can't remember how
much that antique tractor costs when your wife asks.
* Digital - Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
* Apple - If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
* Program - What's on the TV when there's reception.
* CD ROM - The place in the bank where they sell retirement
accounts.

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Computer Geek Pickup Lines

I wish to uncompress you over *all* my disk space.

Oh little processer of my desire!

Be the hard drive of my dreams.

I want all of our functions to be read/write.

Living with you is like virtual reality.

We can make beautiful .wav files together.

May we never have any bad CRC's.

I output gibberish as you tap my keypad.

Before you, I was a PC without a power outlet.

Let's interface our hardware.

Press any key to continue.

May our communication always be synchronous.

Don't worry, the first couple of times it's always Abort, Retry, Fail.

I'll always have cache for you.

Our LoveRoutines link perfectly.

Ever since I met you, I've been looping a recursive subroutine.

No kinky Windows stuff.

I think we should increase our bandwidth.

Every once and a while two numbers meet, link, and become forever binary.

Well, if that's how you feel, I guess it's time to upgrade.

Oh, you found out about my backups, didn't you?

Trust me, I'm user friendly.

Well, now you've gone and killed my process.

You can't exit yet, you still have stopped jobs!

Phone for you, I think it's your motherboard.

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Redneck Computer Lingo

• "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
• "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
• "Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.
• "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
• "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
• "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
• "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
• "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
• "LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
• "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
• "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
• "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
• "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
• "Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

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Why Computers Must be Female

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future references.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
established
a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested

so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain
with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
have their attention.

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Why email is like a penis..

1.Some folks have it, some don't.

2.Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

3.They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.

4.They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

5.Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

6.It can be up or down.

7.It is more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

8.In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

9.Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

10.It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously. Others treat it as a lark. Sometimes, it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

11.If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses

12.It has no brain of it's own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think herently.

13.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.

14.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

15.It has it's own agenda.

16.Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later, you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

17.It has no conscience and no memory.

18.Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before!

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101 uses for AOL disks

It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks...but with a little
imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife)
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
37. Post it-notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon -actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?)
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubic's cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you off.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector.
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas....)
95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
98. Baby mobile.
99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

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How to get a hacker to bed

(What to do when the chips are down)

Phrases that will turn him/her on

How about a little time sharing?
Would you like to try a manual entry?
My response time is shorter than an ELF.
I run on AC or DC.
I'll trade you my software for your hardware.
I'm a member of Aslib.
Want to try my back-up equipment?
How about a digital search?
Boot my system.
I need my cards punched
Mind if I run a cylinder scan on you?
Wanna see my dedicated port?
You can have direct access if you want.
How about a flip-flop?
Are you interested in gang-punching?
Like to see my head rotor?
Let me try your joystick
Kiss my system!
You'll always be LILO in my system.
It's time to log in.
Massage my input.
Wanna twiddle my mouse?
I've also got a slow mode
I'm programmed for parallel processing.
I'm into RAM.
Let's advance the state of the art.
Like some digital timesharing of my TTS?

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Clothes that will drive him/her wild

White shirt with plastic pencil case in pocket
T-shirt with rock group on front
White socks
Worn out running shoes
Shiny suit pants
Hawaiian shirt
12-point wingtips
Carry a briefcase

Food to stimulate him/her

Warm Coke
Twinkies
Szechuan food
Week-old pizza
Oreo cookies
Lukewarm coffee

Selected reading to whisper in his/her ear

On circuit operation (read as if lecturing):
The input signal is impressed on the grid of the voltage amplifier tube,
T_1. This signal is amplified and appears across R_1 after
experiencing a 180' phase shift.

On common polyphase rectifier circuits:
A three-phase, delta-wye circuit, sometimes known as a three-phase,
half-wave rectifier circuit, has the disadvantage of giving a large ripple
voltage in the output circuit.

If all else fails, try this wining line:
I = {E \over X_T} \quad{\rm where}\quad
X_T = X_{c1} + { X_{c2}X_{c3} \over X_{c2} + X_{c3} } +
{ X_{c4} X_{c5} X_{c6} \over X_{c4} X_{c5} + X_{c7} }

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Viruses

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Star Trek Virus : Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Hillary Clinton Virus : Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year
later, in another directory.

Politically Correct Virus : Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Nike Virus : Just does it.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Your programs can never be found again.

O.J. Simpson Virus : You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just
can't prove it.

Ted Turner Virus : Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Texas Virus : Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Ollie North Virus : Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

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  Some humorous things to do to a UNIX system:

 >From the csh (c shell):

 % make love
 Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

 % got a light?
 No match.

 % sleep with me
 bad character

 % man: Why did you get a divorce?
 man:: Too many arguments.

 % rm God
 rm: God nonexistent

 % make 'heads or tails of all this'
 Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

 % make sense
 Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

 % make mistake
 Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

 % make bottle.open
 Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

 % \(-
 (-: Command not found.

 % rm -i God
 rm: remove God? y
 % ls God
 God not found
 % make light
 Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.

 % date me
 You are not superuser: date not set
 Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988

 % man rear
 No manual entry for rear.

 % If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
 Too many )'s.

 % * How would you describe George Bush
 *: Ambiguous.

 % %Vice-President
 %Vice-President: No such job.

 % ls Meese-Ethics
 Meese-Ethics not found

 % "How would you rate Reagan's senility?
 Unmatched ".

 % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
 Missing ].

 % ^How did the^sex change operation go?
 Modifier failed.

 % cp /dev/null sex;chmod 000 sex
 % more sex
 sex: Permission denied
 % mv sex show
 % strip show
 strip: show: Permission denied

 % who is my match?
 No match.

 % set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
 Democratic_Platform unreadable

 % awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
 awk: syntax error near line 1
 awk: bailing out near line

 % %blow
 %blow: No such job.

 % 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
 thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

 And from the bourne shell (sh):

 $ drink < bottle;opener
 bottle: cannot open
 opener: not found

 $ test my argument
 test: too many arguments

 $ "Amelia Earhart"
 Amelia Earhart: not found

 $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
 no sense in pretending!

 $ man -kisses dog
 dog: nothing appropriate

 $ mkdir "Yellow Pages";fiYellow Pages
 $ mkdir matter;cat > matter
 matter: cannot create

 $ lost
 lost: not found

 $ found
 found: not found

 $ i=Hoffa ;>$i ;$i ;rm $i ;rm $i
 Hoffa: cannot execute
 rm: Hoffa nonexistent

 The following are ones that I can't get to work on my BSD 4.3, so I suppose
 that they are stuff from ATT SysV or some other such:

 % strip bra
 bra: Cannot open

 % sccs what bottle
 can't open bottle (26)

 $ cat "door: paws too slippery"
 can't open door: paws too slippery

 $ cat food_in_tin_cans
 cat: can't open food_in_tin_cans

Whenever I sense someone looking over my shoulder I type in one of
the above. And, of course, I keep a file in my home directory called
README which contains the following line for snoopers:

cat: README: not found

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