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CANONICAL LIST OF

(As in, "He's not playing with a full deck.")
A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments

A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve from rectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)<Picture: Idiot>
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A legend in his own mind.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.
A lot of feathers but not much chicken. -- Kim Mitchell
A medical mystery.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)
A peripheral visionary.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A poor excuse for protoplasm.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A quart low.
A real rocket scientologist.
A real space cadet.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
A square with only three sides.
A standard deviant.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About half smart.
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.
All booster, no payload.
All crown, no filling.
All foam, no beer.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All hawk and no spit. -- Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
All icing, no cake.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All of his bytes are odd.
All shot, no powder.
All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
All the notes, none of the music.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut-sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As focused as a fart.
As happy as if he had brains.
As happy as the village idiot.
As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As much use as a lead parachute.
As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.


Back To Joke Page.

Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney's his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been one too many times through the wormhole.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neanderthal.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/...
Brain is running on empty.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings a knife to a gunfight. -- Sean Connery, The Untouchables
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excreta on a frozen pond.
Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.


Back To Joke Page.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/ bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
Can't find his couch in the living room.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
Cold / flat / dry as a witch's tit.
Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.
Collects cards for Craig.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could be considered a plant if he developed phototrophic motility.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and a three-way mirror.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the same telephone booth with him.
Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.


Back To Joke Page.

Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Dense as a London fog.
Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Don't blame him, he's from Uranus.
Donated her body to science fiction.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dropped on his head as a child.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.


Back To Joke Page.

Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Evidence for the theory of a missing link.


Back To Joke Page.

Failed the Turing test.
Fell out of the family tree.
Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Flaky.
Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
Flying/landing on one engine.
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four bits short of a full DEC.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full of wisdumb.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)


Back To Joke Page.

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gears grind/don't always mesh.
Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
Gets his orders from another planet.
Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
Gets parity errors under load.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Gyros are loose.


Back To Joke Page.

Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
Had a head crash / her server's crashed.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
Has a bus fault problem.
Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.
Has a few wait states.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a pulse, but that's about all.
Has a random memory fault.
Has a slow clock.
Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
Has a two-bit operating system.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
Has change for a seven dollar bill.
Has delusions of adequacy.
Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
Has his brain on cruise control again.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has no upper stage.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them.
Has resonance where others have brains.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish. -- National Lampoon
Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He came, he saw, he clutched.
HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
He can push but he can't pop.
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
He is a man of few words and he does not know what either of them mean. -- Prachett
He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.
He writes blank checks on a closed account.
He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
He's been invited to every party in town... Once.
He's diagnosable.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's really into himself... His head is up his ass.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
Hears everything that a dog can.
Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
Her access time approaches infinity.
Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
Her body is rejecting her.
Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as [your favorite politician's] concern for his/her electorate.
Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction.
Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her cache is incoherent.
Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
Her files are compressed 100%.
Her finals are burned out.
Her gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Her head doesn't cast a shadow.
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
Her input pipe is broken.
Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot.
Her leads need resoldering.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her lists are unlinked.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

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