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Q. Why couldn't the witch have babies? A. Because here husband has crystal balls. 

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to? A: Wrap!

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my

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1. So... What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.

Back To Joke Page.

Top ten reasons why Trick or Treating is better than sex:

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!

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NOTE: Please do not read if you are easily offended by
racial jokes.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in
a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the
store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and
there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband
yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard
of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else
I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume
and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes
to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman
costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you
doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back
and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the
husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed
are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the
second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The
husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.
If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on
and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can
shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

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Q. Why couldn't the witch have babies?

A. Because here husband has crystal balls.


Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?

A: Wrap!


Q: Why don't witches wear panties?

A: They get a better grip on their brooms.


Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because he didn't have any guts.


Today's Halloween Specials:

Ghoulash, scream beans, scalped potatoes, and Mummy's
tomb-make booberry pie with I scream.

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Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balanceand fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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Halloween One-Liners (G)

1) What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.

2) What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.

3) What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

4) What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a
drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

5) What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

6) What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

7) Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

8) Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

9) Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

10) What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

11) What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's
brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

12) What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

13) Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

14) What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

15) What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?

16) Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

17) What does a goblin shop for?

18) How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

19) What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

20) Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.
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