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A Woman's Prayer

 Dear Lord,

 So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper,

 been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self  indulgent. I have not whined,

 bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not  charged on my credit

 card. And I thank you.  However, I am going to get out of bed in a few

 minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.


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1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".

9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

24. No, you can't have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

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The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun.
S is also for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to fuck. But after too much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.


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What My Mother Taught Me.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just

finished cleaning!" 


My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that

will come out of the carpet."My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."


My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear

clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll

*give* you something to cry about."


My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"


My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you

*look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"


My mother taught me about STAMINA -

"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."


My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a

tornado swept through your room."


My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;

would you listen then?"


My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you

once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"


My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you

into this world, and I can take you out."


My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -

"Stop acting like your father!"


My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions

of less fortunate children in this world who don't

have wonderful parents like you do!"


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20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

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1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

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Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink, and they actually prefer you to leave the toilet seat up
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice or care if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs understand that farts ARE funny
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
A dog's parents never visit
Dogs never need to examine the relationship
Dogs understand that instincts are better to follow than asking for directions
When a dog gets old and starts snapping at you incessantly, you can put it to sleep
Dogs like beer
No dog ever bought a Bobby Brown album
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
Dogs never criticize
Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house
Dogs don't worry about spiders
Dogs don't care if you stop and take a leak alongside the road
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had
Dogs don't let magazine articles change their lives
Dogs haven no use for flowers, cards or jewelry
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
Dogs don't talk
Dogs seldom outlive you
The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you

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1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.

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1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

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60 Ways You Know You Are A Ho

1. You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go throught a Sealy (tm) a week.
9. Frederik actaully comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
11. When you don't know "What's his name?"
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money machine!
22. When you get hemrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90."
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)."
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night".
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
38. You haven't seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favorite quote is "next please".
41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted".
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guiness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and "honey".
46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

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Reasons why motorcycles are better than women.

If you say bad things about your m/cycle you donít have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride your m/cycle for long as you like & it wont get sore.
You can kick your m/cycle to wake it up.
You can have a black m/cycle & show it to your parents.
M/cycles only need their fluid changed every 4500 kms.
M/cycles curves never sag.
M/cycles last longer.
M/cycles donít get pregnant.
You can ride a m/cycle anytime of the month.
M/cycles donít have parents.
If your M/cycle has an oil leak you can still ride it without complaint.
M/cycles donít whine unless something is really wrong.
Thereís no problem's if your mates ride your bike.
If your m/cycle makes too much noise you can put a muffler on it.
You only need to replace the chain on your m/cycle when the old one is worn.
If your m/cycle smokes you can do something about it.
M/cycles donít care how many other m/cycles you have ridden.
When riding you & your m/cycle arrive at the same time.
M/cycles donít care how many other m/cycles you have.
M/cycles donít mind if you look at other m/cycles
M/cycles donít mind if you buy m/cycle magazines.
New m/cycles must be asked for, & if you donít want to pay you donít get one.
If your m/cycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your m/cycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your m/cycle is too soft you can buy new shocks.
If your m/cycle is misaligned you donít have to discuss politics to correct it.
A m/cycle will never shit on you.
Your m/cycle won't get upset if you drink piss while riding it.
You donít have to be jealous of the guy that works on your m/cycle.
You donít have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your m/cycle.
You donít have to prove to your m/cycle that you're a m/cyclist & that you think that all m/cycles are equal
Your parents donít keep in touch with your old m/cycles after you dump them.
M/cycles always feel like going for a ride.
M/cycles donít insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your m/cycle never wants a night out with other m/cycles alone.
M/cycles donít care if you're late.
You donít have to take a shower before you ride your m/cycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your m/cycle.
If your m/cycle doesnít look good you can paint it.
You can't get diseases from m/cycles you donít know very well.

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The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

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I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the
last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...
but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with
medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the
U.S. Department of Justice."

Do you want to play doctor?  That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight.  I'd love to see you again in six
to eight months with good behavior.


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Every guy subconciously thinks of the following when they rate a woman's attactiveness. 1-4 are for single guys. 5 was added to cover the married ones because they already went through 1 - 4.

1. So ugly you wouldn't fuck her.

2. You'd fuck her but won't be seen in public with her.

3. You'd fuck her and be seen in public with her.

4. You'd fuck her and marry her.

5. You'd fuck her in front of your wife.

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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean):

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the Number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means):

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that "male perspective" thing.)

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1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Programming your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving 101: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving 102: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving 301: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving 401: Makeup and Driving -- It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game -- A Sacrament
15. Telephone translations (was: "Me too equals "I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarassment)
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What goes around Comes Around-- Why his credit card is not a toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29. "To Honor and Obey": Remembering the small print above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child, Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

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These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please

execute him.


Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.


Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,

and also 33.


Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.


Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a

tree and misplaced his hip.


John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt

in the growing part.


Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by

very close veins.


Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his

boots leak.


Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the

Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it

was Sunday.


Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.


My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.


Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.


Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,

headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore

throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't

the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going

around, her father even got hot last night.


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Top 10 Things men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No thanks, Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!!

And the number one thing men should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9

year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man replies, "Yes,it is." Boy, "I have a baseball."

Man, "That's nice."  Boy, "Want to buy it?" Man, "No, thanks." Boy, "My dad's outside."

Man, "OK, how much?" Boy, "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's lover

are in the closet together. Boy, "Dark in here." Man, "Yes, it is." Boy, "I have a baseball mitt."

Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"  Boy, "$75" Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and play catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." Father, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy, "$100"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,  that

is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!

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A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.  The
supervisor is puzzled by this time and asks, "What's wrong with his
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman then replies, "He's a midget." 

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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?- 45lbs. 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?- 45mins. 

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?- Sexual Harassment. 

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?- $3.99 a minute. 

How can you tell if your wife is dead?- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?- Humpme Dumpme. 

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?- marriage. 

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?-  None, they just sit in the dark and complain.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and  good-looking?- Because they already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?- A padded headboard. 

How do men sort their laundry?- Filthy and Filthy but Wearable. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?- After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes a men chase women they have no intention of marrying?- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blond?- A golden retriever. 

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. 

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?- The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?- A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in the third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?- 

The blonde because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?- When you take it off,you wonder

where the breast went. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?- Two mother-in-laws.



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