1. SportsCenter starts at
11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry
in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer
at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we
essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you
need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia
4. If we see you in the
morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart
6. Is it too much to ask to
have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want
to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to
be filled with discussions about "us" and "the
9. Things you can help
with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery
10. Things you should let
us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing
cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute
12. Department stores and
malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower
curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting
13. We don't know anything
about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the
plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's
cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can
Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not
mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a
better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your
interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing
to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael
Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know
what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up
22. Sex on a weeknight is
generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty
good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the
25. If you must take us
with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old
fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
A is for Arteries. You
know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really
didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could
have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do
work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little
devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely
together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said
"I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice
place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant.
Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with
the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for
the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that
week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even
stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality?
Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me
and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car?
Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim
could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two
people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people
that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for
a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun.
S is also for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve
is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the
truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in
the first place.
W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk
awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to fuck. But after too
much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to
you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
1. You don't have to put
cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink, and they
actually prefer you to leave the toilet seat up
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice or care if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs understand that farts ARE funny
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
A dog's parents never visit
Dogs never need to examine the relationship
Dogs understand that instincts are better to follow than asking for
When a dog gets old and starts snapping at you incessantly, you can put it
Dogs like beer
No dog ever bought a Bobby Brown album
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
Dogs never criticize
Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house
Dogs don't worry about spiders
Dogs don't care if you stop and take a leak alongside the road
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had
Dogs don't let magazine articles change their lives
Dogs haven no use for flowers, cards or jewelry
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
Dogs don't talk
Dogs seldom outlive you
The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you
1. A guitar has a volume
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.
1. Women are more fun when
the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they
can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.
1. You've slept with
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go throught a Sealy (tm) a week.
9. Frederik actaully comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of
his orders go.
10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
11. When you don't know "What's his name?"
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but......like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money
22. When you get hemrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90."
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)."
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night".
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
38. You haven't seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favorite quote is "next please".
41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted".
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guiness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and
46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.
If you say bad things about
your m/cycle you donít have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride your m/cycle for long as you like & it wont get sore.
You can kick your m/cycle to wake it up.
You can have a black m/cycle & show it to your parents.
M/cycles only need their fluid changed every 4500 kms.
M/cycles curves never sag.
M/cycles last longer.
M/cycles donít get pregnant.
You can ride a m/cycle anytime of the month.
M/cycles donít have parents.
If your M/cycle has an oil leak you can still ride it without complaint.
M/cycles donít whine unless something is really wrong.
Thereís no problem's if your mates ride your bike.
If your m/cycle makes too much noise you can put a muffler on it.
You only need to replace the chain on your m/cycle when the old one is
If your m/cycle smokes you can do something about it.
M/cycles donít care how many other m/cycles you have ridden.
When riding you & your m/cycle arrive at the same time.
M/cycles donít care how many other m/cycles you have.
M/cycles donít mind if you look at other m/cycles
M/cycles donít mind if you buy m/cycle magazines.
New m/cycles must be asked for, & if you donít want to pay you
donít get one.
If your m/cycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your m/cycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your m/cycle is too soft you can buy new shocks.
If your m/cycle is misaligned you donít have to discuss politics to
A m/cycle will never shit on you.
Your m/cycle won't get upset if you drink piss while riding it.
You donít have to be jealous of the guy that works on your m/cycle.
You donít have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your
You donít have to prove to your m/cycle that you're a m/cyclist &
that you think that all m/cycles are equal
Your parents donít keep in touch with your old m/cycles after you dump
M/cycles always feel like going for a ride.
M/cycles donít insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your m/cycle never wants a night out with other m/cycles alone.
M/cycles donít care if you're late.
You donít have to take a shower before you ride your m/cycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your m/cycle.
If your m/cycle doesnít look good you can paint it.
You can't get diseases from m/cycles you donít know very well.
Ms. Nice Guy -
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D
spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you
see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head.
My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
The Bosser - "Stand up
straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make
some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied -
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control -
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I
done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing
humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I
believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am
utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a
boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
1. "Are you ready to
leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Programming your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving 101: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving 102: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving 301: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving 401: Makeup and Driving -- It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game -- A Sacrament
15. Telephone translations (was: "Me too equals "I Love
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What goes around Comes Around-- Why his credit card is not a toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29. "To Honor and Obey": Remembering the small print above
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child, Healing
his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
Top 10 Things men SHOULDN'T
say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in
#9 No thanks, Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!!
And the number one thing
men should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh honey, you'll never
squeeze your fat ass into that.
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit. The
supervisor is puzzled by this time and asks, "What's wrong with his
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman then replies, "He's a midget."