Features Computer Support Jokes, A humorous story I recently
heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique
fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer
owner. Here's how the story went? After experiencing
difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called
the system maker's technical support line for assistance.
In a humorous story I
recently heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique
fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer owner.
Here's how the story went? After experiencing difficulties with his
computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical
support line for assistance.
Technician: Hello. How can
I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke
coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you
need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I
just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you
described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone
told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next ten minutes,
in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its
solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in
frustration, the technician responded
Technician: I'm sorry. We
don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the
line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and
everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later,
the technician received a call back from the customer.
Customer: It didn't work.
The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what
version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's
your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to
contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works
When nearly an hour had
passed, the phone rang again.
Customer: I need a new
Technician: How did you
come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called
Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me
questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he
Customer: He said my power
supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
This is a form to make the
reporting of problems consistent, allow
records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users
from reporting faults in the first place.
1. Your Name:
2. Your Login Name: ____________________
3. The date? __/__/__
4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__
5. Problem severity:
Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___
6. Which machine?
7. Which are appears to be at fault?
Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___
Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___
Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___
7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___
7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___
7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___
7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___
7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___
7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
Yes___ No ___
7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___
7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself?
7.7 Is the equipment
unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___
7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?
Grinding ___ Rattling ___
Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___
Sound of disk head scouring disk ___
Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___
7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___
7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___
7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___
7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the
I am the very model of a
modern teenage Cyberpunk
I rent my own apartment and it's full of e-lectronic junk
I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III
I'm very well aquainted too
with matters pornographical
I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
I'm totally an anarchist,
the government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I know the ancient myths
about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery
and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
I've learned to spot a
troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck
I've hung around in
alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST",
I am now somewhat wary at,
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat,
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue
When I have learnt what
progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
My life outside the
Internet is very very sad you see
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
This quiz is dedicated to all of those
people who find themselves constantly roaming the net. Do you leave
yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is
your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who you are.
1) How many valid net addresses do you
have? Multiple machines at the same site do not count.
 Internet  UUCP  Other public
access  Other
 Bitnet  Freenet  Internet BBS 
(2 points each)
2) How many hours did it take for you to
create your .sig?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote
3) On an average working day, how many
email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... sniff
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle
over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.
4) All right, fess up. Have you ever
read alt.sex.bondage just to see what the heck those perverts were talking
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)
5) Have you ever met one of your past
SO's (significant others) via a computer network?
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY
6) Once you've logged onto your system,
what do you spend most of your time doing?
a) Putting books on reserve in the
library computer system.
b) Reading Alice in Wonderland in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything
7) If someone were to telephone your
home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that
your phone would be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line
8) Which Usenet newsgroups do you spend
the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half
those words mean
9) What's your worst complaint about
having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold
all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it
10) Check your watch now. What time is
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow
0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read
a manual or two and come back next year.
25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming
Internet nerd. Why don't you telnet over to 22.214.171.124 and play around with
the Quartz BBS for a while.
50-75 points: You're a full-fledged
Internet nerd. Join the club.
75-100 points: You're an Internet
addict. Try going to the library this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points: You're an Internet
obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few
days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your
mind. And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before