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MarkThiSpot.com, Features Computer Support Jokes, A humorous story I recently heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer owner. Here's how the story went? After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance. 

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The Software Development Process


1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program


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Software Versions Explained


Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:

Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:

We fixed all the killer bugs ...


1.2:

Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.


2.0:

We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.


2.1:

Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.


2.2:

Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!


2.3:

Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!


3.0:

Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.


3.1:

Of course, we did break a few little things.


4.0:

More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...


4.1:

Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!


5.0:

We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.


6.0:

We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.


6.1:

Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made.


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Software Engineering Glossary From Marketing View


(or defining computer terms from a "marketing point of view" )


ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
OPEN SYSTEMS -- Anything with our logo on it!

Vendor dependent variations of the above definitions of open systems:


USL -- Pay us for the license - & it's open.
OSF -- Anything IBM& DEC can agree on must be open
Sun -- Give me an `s', give me a `p', give me an `a', give me an `r', give me a `c' - what have you got? OPEN!
Microsoft -- Open Systems? Isn't that a laxative?
IBM - Open systems? We have 13 of them. Which one do you want?
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

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 An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender

 association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time

 were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually

 referred  to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked,

 "What gender  is  a computer?"

 

 The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males

 in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer

 should  be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for

 their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should

 be referred to as masculine because:

 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time,

 they ARE the problem.

 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a

 little longer, you could have had a better model.

 The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be

 referred to as feminine because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

 incomprehensible to everyone else.

 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later  retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half

 your paycheck on accessories for it.

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