Features Computer Support Jokes, A humorous story I recently
heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique
fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer
owner. Here's how the story went? After experiencing
difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called
the system maker's technical support line for assistance.
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each
software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that
this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in
reality there's substantially more information available through the
rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the
meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
Also known as "one
point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release
because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing
guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it
more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has
some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
We fixed all the killer
Uh, we introduced a few new
bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
We did the product we
really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the
customer needs yet, but we're working on it.
Well, not surprisingly, we
broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we
did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we
introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.
Uh, sorry, one slipped
through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it
Some jerk found a
deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging
until we fixed it!!
Hey, we finally think we've
got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
Of course, we did break a
few little things.
More features. It's doubled
in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster
Just one or two bugs this
We really need to go on to
a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're
cutting the staffing after this.
We had to fix a few things
we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at
this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a
few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
Since I'm leaving the
company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I
wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before
I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back
here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but
they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning
but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to
(or defining computer terms from a "marketing point of view" )
• ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
• ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
• BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
• NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
• EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
• FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
• FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
• FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
• HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
• IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
• MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
• MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
• OPEN SYSTEMS -- Anything with our logo on it!
Vendor dependent variations
of the above definitions of open systems:
• USL -- Pay us for the license - & it's open.
• OSF -- Anything IBM& DEC can agree on must be open
• Sun -- Give me an `s', give me a `p', give me an `a', give me an `r',
give me a `c' - what have you got? OPEN!
• Microsoft -- Open Systems? Isn't that a laxative?
• IBM - Open systems? We have 13 of them. Which one do you want?
• PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
• REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
• SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
• STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again,
• UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
• UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
• YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.