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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor--I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird. He claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. "The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

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Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?

The Sphinx:
You tell me

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuf in its pancreas.

Epicurus:
For fun

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Plato:
For the greater good

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Tomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

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Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately...and suck all the marrow out of life.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Salvador Dali:
The fish.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

Ronald Reagan:
I forget.

Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we are quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

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