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URA Redneck if: You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

URA Redneck if: You ever cut your grass and found a car.

URA Redneck if: You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

URA Redneck if: You think the stock market has a fence around it.

URA Redneck if: Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

URA Redneck if: Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

URA Redneck if: You own a homemade fur coat.

URA Redneck if: Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

URA Redneck if: You burn your yard rather than mow it.

URA Redneck if: Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

URA Redneck if: You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

URA Redneck if: The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

URA Redneck if: You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

URA Redneck if: Birds are attracted to your beard.

URA Redneck if: Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

URA Redneck if: You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

URA Redneck if: You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

URA Redneck if: You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

URA Redneck if: Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

URA Redneck if: You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

URA Redneck if: You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

URA Redneck if: You clean your fingernails with a stick.

URA Redneck if: Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

URA Redneck if: You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

URA Redneck if: Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

URA Redneck if: Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

URA Redneck if: Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

URA Redneck if: You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

URA Redneck if: There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

URA Redneck if: The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

URA Redneck if: There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

URA Redneck if: You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

URA Redneck if: The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

URA Redneck if: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

URA Redneck if: You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

URA Redneck if: You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

URA Redneck if: You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

URA Redneck if: You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

URA Redneck if: Your considered an expert on wormbeds.

URA Redneck if: Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

URA Redneck if: The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

URA Redneck if: You've ever bought a used cap.

URA Redneck if: Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

URA Redneck if: You pick your teeth from a catalog.

URA Redneck if: You've ever financed a tattoo.

URA Redneck if: You've ever stolen toilet paper.

URA Redneck if: You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

URA Redneck if: People hear your car a long time before they see it.

URA Redneck if: The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

URA Redneck if: You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

URA Redneck if: You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

URA Redneck if: You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

URA Redneck if: You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

URA Redneck if: You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

URA Redneck if: You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

URA Redneck if: You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

URA Redneck if: you have ever used lard in bed.

URA Redneck if: you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

URA Redneck if: you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

URA Redneck if: you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.

URA Redneck if: your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

URA Redneck if: someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

URA Redneck if: the primary color of your car is bondo.

URA Redneck if: directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

URA Redneck if: your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

URA Redneck if: you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

URA Redneck if: you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

URA Redneck if: Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.

URA Redneck if: your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

URA Redneck if: you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

URA Redneck if: you consider the fifth grade you senior year.

URA Redneck if: you have a rag for a gas cap.

URA Redneck if: the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

URA Redneck if: you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

URA Redneck if: you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.

URA Redneck if: your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

URA Redneck if: Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

URA Redneck if: you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at

URA Redneck if: your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

URA Redneck if: you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

URA Redneck if: your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

URA Redneck if: your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

URA Redneck if: the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.

URA Redneck if: your other truck is made by John Deere.

URA Redneck if: you think suspenders are a type of shirt.

URA Redneck if: going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

URA Redneck if: you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.

URA Redneck if: you ever got too drunk to fish.

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Two rednecks were sitting daydreaming when a cow strolls by.

"Man" says the first Redneck, "If only that was a woman."

"Man" says the second "If only it was dark."

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

A drunk redneck vomited on a dog.

All he could say was "I don't remember eating that!"

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Q. What greeting card is unique to a Redneck? "

A. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad"

Q. What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?

A. Bisexual.

A shaken redneck comes out on the porch and says "I just found my wife in bed with my best friend"

"So what did you do" his companions replied.

"I shot the wife, but I spared the dog"

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Redneck Driving Etiquette

1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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Redneck Personal Hygiene

1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

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Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)

1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2.Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."

3.If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette

1.Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2.Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

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Redneck Wedding Etiquette

1.Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

3.When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

4.A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

5.For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

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Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions

1.Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

4.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

6.The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

7.Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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A hillbilly boy and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The idiot grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house.

When he gets there his father says "Boy, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

The father says, "Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours."

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Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill.

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have
to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the bar-b-q grill to light.

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Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte - What your pit-bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Hard Drive - Memphis to Jacksonville
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Kilobyte - Huntin' for food
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
On-line - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker

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