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God Bless America!, Features Engineering Jokes, Understanding Engineers, 

 Understanding Engineers - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass

 is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs  to be. Think you know everything!

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can
make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

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There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.

"The bull just fucked the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The
bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that article insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing the they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

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A farmer was getting very tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering his 14-year-old son jerking off behind the barn. "Son," he said, "that's enough of this foolishness. You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind, too! We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to rest for good!"

So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor, unsuspecting farm girl. The marriage was performed and everything was fine - problem solved - until...

The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered the son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating the meat........"Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to all the trouble of getting you a wife to take care of this tomfoolery and you're back at it again! What's the matter with your new wife? Doesn't she take care of your needs properly?"
"Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but her little arms get so tired..."

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There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

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Farmer talk about computers...

* Log On - Makin' the wood stove hotter.
* Log Off - Don't add no more wood.
* Monitor - Keep an eye on th' wood stove.
* Download - Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
* Mega Hertz - When ya ain't careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
* Floppy Disk - Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
* Disk Operating System - Equipment Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.
* RAM - The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work.
* Hard Drive - Gettin' home in mud season.
* Prompt - What you wish the mail was in mud season.
* Windows - What to shut when it's 30 below.
* Screen - What you need for bug season.
* Byte - What bugs do.
* Chip - What to munch on.
* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
* Infrared - Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
* Modem - What you did to the hay fields.
* Dot Matrix - John Matrix's wife.
* Printer - Someone who can't write in cursive.
* Lap Top - Where little kids feel comfy.
* Keyboard - Where you hang your keys.
* Software - Them plastic eatin' utensils.
* 486 - One of them fancy imported cars.
* Mouse - What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
* Main Frame - The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
* Port - Hole on top a th' silo
* Enter - C'mon in!
* Random Access Memory - When you suddenly can't remember how much that antique tractor costs when your wife asks.
* Digital - Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
* Apple - If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
* Program - What's on the TV when there's reception.
* CD ROM - The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.

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