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On a farm out in the
country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning,
the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture,
she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The
situation looked hopeless to her -- how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of
mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well
as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he
shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up
to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to
the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a
mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the
reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a
row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed
to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son
woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw
himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have
sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And
while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy
the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up
and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers
gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to
the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I
have seen all that has happened, and I can
make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a
row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times
in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as
she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times
in a row?"
Finally, she said,
"Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row,
then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young
son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill
you like it did the cow?"
There was a farmer who had
a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed
his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to
watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah
daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came
into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say,
Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked
the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in
the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son
outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of
company. You should say 'The
bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull
surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside
the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the
bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He
fucked the brown cow again!"
A newlywed farmer and his
wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of
the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly.
At the funeral service a
few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they
walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper
something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his
head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about.
The farmer replied,
"The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my
head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
A farmer buys several pigs,
hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices
that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The
vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet
tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down
and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and
gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that article
insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs
into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all,
brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and
looks out at the pigs. Seeing the they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to
find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,
and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends
all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into
bed.
The next morning, he cannot
even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to
look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says,
"they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Young Dave was courting
Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One
evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down
over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of
his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured
the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and
whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that
bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't
you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
A farmer was getting very
tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering his 14-year-old son
jerking off behind the barn. "Son," he said, "that's enough
of this foolishness. You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind,
too! We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to
rest for good!"
So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor,
unsuspecting farm girl. The marriage was performed and everything was fine
- problem solved - until...
The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered
the son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating
the meat........"Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to
all the trouble of getting you a wife to take care of this tomfoolery and
you're back at it again! What's the matter with your new wife? Doesn't she
take care of your needs properly?"
"Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but
her little arms get so tired..."
There was a farmer, sitting
on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid
comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says.
'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls,
'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin'
to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens
with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says,
and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure
enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting
on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane,
carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer
yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just
any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with
duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says,
and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and
again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of
ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's
sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road
carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says.
'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just
any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'
* Log On - Makin' the wood
stove hotter.
* Log Off - Don't add no more wood.
* Monitor - Keep an eye on th' wood stove.
* Download - Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
* Mega Hertz - When ya ain't careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
* Floppy Disk - Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
* Disk Operating System - Equipment Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.
* RAM - The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work.
* Hard Drive - Gettin' home in mud season.
* Prompt - What you wish the mail was in mud season.
* Windows - What to shut when it's 30 below.
* Screen - What you need for bug season.
* Byte - What bugs do.
* Chip - What to munch on.
* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
* Infrared - Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
* Modem - What you did to the hay fields.
* Dot Matrix - John Matrix's wife.
* Printer - Someone who can't write in cursive.
* Lap Top - Where little kids feel comfy.
* Keyboard - Where you hang your keys.
* Software - Them plastic eatin' utensils.
* 486 - One of them fancy imported cars.
* Mouse - What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
* Main Frame - The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
* Port - Hole on top a th' silo
* Enter - C'mon in!
* Random Access Memory - When you suddenly can't remember how much that
antique tractor costs when your wife asks.
* Digital - Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
* Apple - If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
* Program - What's on the TV when there's reception.
* CD ROM - The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.
