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Classified Ad Blunders


* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by

waitresses in appetizing forms.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children


* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large


* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to

take home, too.

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by


* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make

it really repellent.

* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan


* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,

fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

* 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and

smothered with golden fried onion rings.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful


* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for

charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis

Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and


* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim

in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and

other athletic facilities.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that

lots of women wear nothing else.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes

and Gardens.

* For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,

unrivaled inconvenience.

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is

drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness,wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We

drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry

about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker!

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You can't get cancer,

you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow ... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,

Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt're dead anyhow. What

about drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big

bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can

do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.



Rated PG


10. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!

9. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So We're Even.

8. I Haven't Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

6. You Gave Me Warm Fuzzies....Now I'm on Penicillin!

5. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

4. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

2. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

1. She's A Lookin' Better After Every Beer

Back To Joke Page.

Back To Joke Page.


 There is a checkout clerk who says, "Anyone who can rhyme better than me 

 gets there groceries for free." This guy comes up and says, "I bet I can." 

 The clerk says 3 and 3 is 6 and 3 is nine, I can guess the length of yours

 but you cant guess the depth of mine. The man says 3 and 3 is 6 and 3 is nine.

 I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine.


Back To Joke Page.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a

sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor

besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed

to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't

look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post

that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people

kept tripping over him."

Back To Joke Page.



A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him

and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,

I want a divorce."


The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.


She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,

because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and

he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches

his hands on the wheels.


She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and

now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving

faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.


She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the

credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a

bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"


The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."


She asks, "What's that?"


The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"

Back To Joke Page.


 1.  "Hey Yunz Guyz!" is a greeting.

 2.  You take time off of work/school for the entire 3 days of doe season.

  3.  One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's  Cave and Horse Shoe Curve.

  4.  You know exactly what to do when your Mother tells you to "Red  up your room."

  5.  You know the time and location of every "Wing Night" 20 mile  radius.

  6.  You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny.

  7.  You don't understand what all the hype is about for Rolling

      Rock beer, You've been drinking it for years, even though Yuengling is


  8.  You consider an exotic vacation a trip to Virginia or Myrtle Beach.

  9.  You're over 35 years old, have never been outside of Pennsylvania, and don't see the need to leave.

 10.  You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and Heinz ketchup.

 11.  You design you and your children's Halloween costumes to fit over a  snowsuit.

 12. Driving is always better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 13.  You find 20F just "a little" chilly.

 14.  You can recite the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

 15.  Words like "hoagie," "chipped ham," and "pop" actually mean something to you.

 16.  You can use the phrase "Fire Hall Wedding" and not even bat an  eye.

 17.  You think very little of an Amish buggy on the road.

 18.  You learned long ago how to "step carefully" around the buggy tie-ups in the supermarket parking lot.

 19.  You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as "P-A."  (How many other states do that?)

  20.  You actually got all of these jokes and are forwarding them to your PA friends.

Back To Joke Page.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle,
when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The boy said, "You got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember
how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Back To Joke Page.

Kids quotes:


Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice
as many H's as O's.
Clouds are highflying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
Wind is like the air, only pushier.

 Back To Joke Page.


1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both mark their territory.
5. Both are bad at asking you questions.
6. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
7. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Both have a fascination with women's crotches.
10. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
11. Both like dominance games.
12. Both are suspicious of the mailman.
13. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
14. Neither understands what you see in cats.


1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw).
7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
8. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, the really
worst you can get from this is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and
you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
9. Dogs understand what NO means.
10. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside .
11. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
12. Dogs admit when they are lost.
13. Dogs are color blind.
14. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
15. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


1. Men only have two feet that track in mud.
2. Men can buy you presents.
3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around
the block.
4. Men are a little more subtle.
5. Men don't eat turds on the sly.
6. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
7. Men can do math stuff.
8. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

Back To Joke Page.


Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
remove 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make
a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems, first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and
a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified
for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size
bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intent
to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything
the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you
love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent

Back To Joke Page.


 Sometimes, you just have to be thankful for the job you have.
 When you  have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT day try this:

 On your  way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
 section where they have thermometers.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip.
Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes,
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package  containing the thermometer,  remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
 as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that
 *every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

 Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad
 that I do not work in quality control at the  Q-Tip Company.

Back To Joke Page.


A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is
sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home
Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in
a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age.  I
will give them to you on the condition you return to
my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody showed up!"



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