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Classified
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* Lost: small apricot
poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
* A superb and
inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing
forms.
* Dinner Special --
Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00.
* For sale: an antique
desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
* Four-poster bed, 101
years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Now is your chance to
have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
* Wanted: 50 girls for
stripping machine operators in factory.
* Wanted: Unmarried
girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
* We do not tear your
clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
* No matter what your
topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent.
* For Sale. Three
canaries of undermined sex.
* For Sale -- Eight
puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
* Creative daily
specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables,
salads, quiche.
* 7 ounces of choice
sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and
smothered with golden
fried onion rings.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old
dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
* Tired of cleaning
yourself? Let me do it.
* 20 dozen bottles of
excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner
having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
* Dog for sale: eats
anything and is fond of children.
* Vacation Special: have
your home exterminated.
* If you think you've
seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such
immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the
breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while
you drink it all in.
* The hotel has bowling
alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic
facilities.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap
does the job in 24 hours.
* Sheer stockings.
Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear
nothing else.
* Stock up and save.
Limit: one.
* Save regularly in our
bank. You'll never regret it.
* We build bodies that
last a lifetime.
* This is the model home
for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.
* For Sale--Diamonds
$20; microscopes $15.
* For Rent: 6-room hated
apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take
anything.
* Wanted: chambermaid in
rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
* Semi-Annual
after-Christmas Sale.
* And now, the
Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
Water
freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between
north
and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot
make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but
some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
Some people can tell what time it is
by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume
disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean
finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under
a microscope, we find there are twice
as many H's as O's.
Clouds are highflying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed.
But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one
drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows
sideways.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of
loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more
important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the
people there have to live in other
places.
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both mark their territory.
5. Both are bad at asking you questions.
6. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
7. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Both have a fascination with women's crotches.
10. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
11. Both like dominance games.
12. Both are suspicious of the mailman.
13. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
14. Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh
at
how you throw).
7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
8. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, the
really
worst you can get from this is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and
you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
9. Dogs understand what NO means.
10. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside .
11. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
12. Dogs admit when they are lost.
13. Dogs are color blind.
14. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
15. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
WHERE DOGS FALL DOWN
1. Men only have two feet that track in mud.
2. Men can buy you presents.
3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around
the block.
4. Men are a little more subtle.
5. Men don't eat turds on the sly.
6. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
7. Men can do math stuff.
8. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
Preparation for parenthood is not just
a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity,
put on a dressing gown and stick
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months,
remove 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to
the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last
time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and
have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel,
walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make
a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes
off.
Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children
make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does
that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as
easy as it seems, first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape
and
a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make
an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified
for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the
mini-van. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that.
Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
it
there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size
bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden
rake
along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside
the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk
very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up
and
go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at
least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take
with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you
intent
to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything
the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT
even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small
hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit
Loops
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now
ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
12. Learn the names of every character
from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love
you, you
love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
Sometimes, you just have to be thankful
for the job you have. When you have had one of those TAKE
THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT day try this:
On your way home after work, stop
at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer
made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a
sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the
thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the
bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the
thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small
print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is
PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five
times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the
Q-Tip Company.
A man goes to his doctor and says. "
Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is
sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home
Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in
a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I
will give them to you on the condition you return to
my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
