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MarkThiSpot.com, Features Old Age Jokes, SILLY OLD GUYS GETTING OLDER,
Your nooky days are over, Your pilot light is out. What used to be your sex-appeal
Is now your water spout. George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

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Back To Joke Page.

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I hollar back, 'Fuck You too.'"


Back To Joke Page.

SILLY OLD GUYS

Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One old codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out. Genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of yas -- make it a good one." The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this -- I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!" The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!" And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit! Why in the hell did you do that?"

"Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers. "I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?"

"The problem is ... now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!"


Back To Joke Page.

GETTING OLDER
Your nooky days are over,
Your pilot light is out.
What used to be your sex-appeal
Is now your water spout.
Time was, when of it's own accord-
from your trousers it would spring.
But now it's a full time job,
just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave.
For every single morning,
it would stand and watch you shave.
As your old age approaches,
it sure gives you the blues.
To see it hang it's withered head,
And watch you tie your shoes.....


Back To Joke Page.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.

"So what's your problem?" I asked.

"I don't wake up until nine."


Back To Joke Page.

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"


Back To Joke Page.

George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all over you. What's your secret?

Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go.

Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the world's greatest lover!

Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand.

Oprah: Ok, you're on.

After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping...

Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at it again.

So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another breather and again says:

Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again.

Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then, but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while you're sleeping.

Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep.


Back To Joke Page.

A couple in their 70's goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical reason for the decreased sex drive that has kept them celibate for the last few years. After several tests, the physician tells them that everything is perfectly normal. He tells them that people their age typically just get bored, and need to think of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life.

On her next visit to the mall, the wife goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the bedroom for her husband to arrive.

When the husband comes into the bedroom, she points at herself and says "You want some of this?"

His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties."


Letter from Grandma
Dear Kids,
 I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling very good this week, the friend you placed me with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows. It's been two years since you visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's oK, I learned to use the internet to pass the time. So you can remember what I look like I sent you a recent picture of myself.
I send you this picture with all of my heart !
 Love Grandma,

.Back To Joke Page

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except his private part, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private part, sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "there really is no justice in this world".

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "why just look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, and the damn things are growing wild, I'm too old to squat."

 

Back To Joke Page.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you...and you enjoy it.
5. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large... In that order.
7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
8. Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a bikini.
9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go forthe rocker.
23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back in style.
45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
47. You keep repeating yourself.
48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive


Back To Joke Page.

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID:

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


Back To Joke Page

 

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She  writes:

 

 The other day I went up to a local Christian  bookstore

 and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I

 was feeling particularly sassy that day because I  had

 just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed

 by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the  sticker and put it on my bumper.

 Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience

 that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy

 intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and

 how good He is and I didn't notice that the light  had

 changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus

 because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have  noticed!

 I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

 Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind

 started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of

 his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!

 GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

 What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my

 window and started waving and smiling at all these

 loving people. I even honked my horn a few times  to

 share in the love!

 There must have been a man from Florida back there

 because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny

 beach"...

 

 I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only  his

 middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my

 teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,  he

 said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign  or

 something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii,  so

 I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck

 sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why,  even

 he was enjoying this religious experience!

 

 A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of

 the moment that they got out of their cars and  started

 walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask

 what church I attended, but this was when I noticed

 the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters

 and brothers: grinned, and drove on through the  intersection.

 I noticed I was the only car that got through the

 intersection before the light changed again and I  felt

 kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the

 love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned

 out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian  good

 luck sign one last time as I drove away.

 My grand son was down in the seat laughing for  the pure joy on it.

 Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 Love, Grandma


Back To Joke Page

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it

started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,

put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to

the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at

her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely

asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she

replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The druggist fainted.


 

 

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