Features Old Age Jokes, SILLY OLD GUYS GETTING OLDER,
Your nooky days are over, Your pilot light is out. What used to be your
Is now your water spout. George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather
about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it
all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you
get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you
are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you
and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have
oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom,
and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I hollar
back, 'Fuck You too.'"
Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain. A bottle comes
floating by in the current. One old codger scoops it up, sees a cork in
the top, and yanks it out. Genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says,
"You get one wish between the two of yas -- make it a good one."
The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.
"Lemme handle this -- I know just what to ask for!"
He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be
turned into ice cold beer!" The genie nods and says, "You got
it, boys!" And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!
The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his
buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit! Why in the
hell did you do that?"
"Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers. "I
thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?"
"The problem is ... now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!"
Your nooky days are over,
Your pilot light is out.
What used to be your sex-appeal
Is now your water spout.
Time was, when of it's own accord-
from your trousers it would spring.
But now it's a full time job,
just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave.
For every single morning,
it would stand and watch you shave.
As your old age approaches,
it sure gives you the blues.
To see it hang it's withered head,
And watch you tie your shoes.....
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences,
asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole
died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole.
If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We
must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put
'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women
hanging all over you. What's your secret?
Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and
once a woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go.
Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for
being your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the
world's greatest lover!
Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by
my dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand.
Oprah: Ok, you're on.
After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to
go at it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really
living up to his claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping...
Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you
keep both of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we
can go at it again.
So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start
going at it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George
takes another breather and again says:
Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving
it to you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your
hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again.
Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and
I can understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and
then, but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick
while you're sleeping.
Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl
in my dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep.
A couple in their 70's goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical
reason for the decreased sex drive that has kept them celibate for the
last few years. After several tests, the physician tells them that
everything is perfectly normal. He tells them that people their age
typically just get bored, and need to think of some creative ways of
adding some spice to their sex life.
On her next visit to the mall, the wife goes into Victoria's Secret,
and buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on when she gets home
and waits in the bedroom for her husband to arrive.
When the husband comes into the bedroom, she points at herself and says
"You want some of this?"
His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties."
I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in.
This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't
been feeling very good this week, the friend you placed me with
died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows. It's been
two years since you visited me last, I guess you're all pretty
busy. It's oK, I learned to use the internet to pass the time. So
you can remember what I look like I sent you a recent picture of
I send you this picture with all of my heart !
There is this guy who really takes
care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day. One
morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices
that he is really suntanned all over except his private part, and
he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach,
completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for
his private part, sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling
along the beach and one looks down and says, "there really is
no justice in this world".
The other little old lady says,
"What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says,
"why just look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, and the damn things are growing wild, I'm
too old to squat."
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you
cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you...and you enjoy it.
5. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...
In that order.
7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form
a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
8. Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a
9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a
month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip
out...and it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper",
"scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your
22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go forthe
23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say
33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when
you were growing up.
42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last
44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back
45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
47. You keep repeating yourself.
48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.