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What do you call a pimple on an
Why don't Italians have
How do you brainwash an
What language do the Vatican
What do you call an Italian
with an I.Q. of 180?
Why did the Italian staple his
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a
Q. How does an Italian count
Q. How did they advertise
surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
Q. Why does the new Italian
Navy use glass bottomed boats?
Q. Why is Italian bread so
Q. How is the Italian version
of Christmas different?
Q. Who really killed John F.
Q. How does an Italian get into
an honest business?
Q. How do Italian girls shave
Q. What does FIAT stand for?
Q. What do you get when you
cross an Italian and a Pollack?
Q. How do you kill an Italian?
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were
Italian, what would Cheetah be?
Q. What did the barber say to
the Italian kid?
Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw
their trash away in clear plastic bags?
Q. What s an innuendo?
Q. Why do Italian men have
Q. Why are most Italian men
Q. How do you make an Italian?
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they comma together. I comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I comma once again and pee twice. Denna I comma once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friena here howa to spella Mississippi".
A Italian man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid
is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his
teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at
just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in
the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable Italian man in a gray suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup
down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the
counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across
Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the Italian man
carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing
the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the
man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are
you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with
the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on
the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him
with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I
wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!
An Italian architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The Italian architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."
An old Italian man and woman were married for years even
though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep
into the night. A constant statement was heard by the
neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I
will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was
responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange
sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and
the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the
wife went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme
while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these
questions: Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid?
of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he
died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the
old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
25 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE ITALIAN AND LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001
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businessman on his deathbed
called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you
A Italian buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Italian " baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!"
was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains Two weeks later, he returns
to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud
father answers, "Seventeenpounds," The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father takes a slow swig from his
long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in
to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
HOW TO IMPRESS AN ITALIAN WOMAN:
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again
HOW TO IMPRESS A ITALIAN MAN:
Show up naked,
"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy, "Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the steps and
she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he
hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.
He may be dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?"
Is this 854-7039?"
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."