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A grease fitting.
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Back To MAIN Joke Page.

What do you call a pimple on an Italian?
A grease fitting.

Why don't Italians have freckles?
They all slide off.

How do you brainwash an Italian?
Give him an enema.

What language do the Vatican Police speak?
Pig Latin!

What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
Sicily.

Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
"If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe?

Q. How does an Italian count his goats?
A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four.

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?
A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?
A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.

Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.

Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?
A. A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.

Q. How do you kill an Italian?
A. Smash the toilet seat on the back of his head when he is getting a drink.

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three.

Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil.?

Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw their trash away in clear plastic bags?
A. So Italians can go window shopping.

Q. What s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Q. How do you make an Italian?
A. Put a black in one hand, a Jew in the other, and slam them together. WOP!!


Back To MAIN Joke Page.

 

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they comma together. I comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I comma once again and pee twice. Denna I comma once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friena here howa to spella Mississippi".


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A Italian man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid

is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his

teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at

just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and

lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in

the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable  Italian man in a gray suit is sitting at a

coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of

coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup

down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the

counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across

the market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the Italian man

carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but

firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up

the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing

the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his

seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,

the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the

man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never

seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are

you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."


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Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state

trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with

the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll

have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives

the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on

the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him

with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I

wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!


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An Italian architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The Italian  architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid

foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion

and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to

the lab and get some work done."

 


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 An old Italian man and woman were married for years even

 though they hated each other. When they had a

 confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep

 into the night. A constant statement was heard by the

 neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I

 will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and

 haunt you for the rest of your life!"

 They believed he practiced black magic and was

 responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange

 sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the

 respect it garnished.

 He died abruptly under strange circumstances and

 the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the

 wife went straight to the local bar and began to party

 as if there was no tomorrow.

 The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme

 while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these

 questions: Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid?

 of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he

 died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to

 come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

 The wife put down her drink and said..."let the

 old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."


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25 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE ITALIAN AND LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001
 
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.  He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning       around togo get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else


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 A Italian
  man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
 sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
 clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
 you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man
 said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want
 to."

 The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
 logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
 the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I
 can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
 things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
 think would honor and glorify me."

 The Italian
  man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
 have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I
am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I
 want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they
 give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they
 say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

 After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
 bridge?"


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A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you
to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have
everything.'"


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Dear Abby:

 My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves  me, but he has
 cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many
 friends and supporters.
 They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues.
 He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him.
 Every time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits
 that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been
 going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
 I don't know what to do.
 Signed:

 Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Why don't you move to New York and run for the  senate?


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A Italian  buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he

announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Italian  " baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of  "WOW!"

was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains Two weeks later, he  returns

to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian  

baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The  proud

father answers, "Seventeenpounds,"  The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already

weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian  father takes a slow swig from his

long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in

to the  bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."


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HOW TO IMPRESS AN ITALIAN WOMAN:

 Wine her,

 Dine her,

 Call her,

 Hug her,

 Support her,

 Hold her,

 Surprise her,

 Compliment her,

 Smile at her,

 Listen to her,

 Laugh with her,

 Cry with her,

 Romance her,

 Believe in her,

 Cuddle with her,

 Shop with her,

 Give her jewelry,

 Buy her flowers,

 Hold her hand,

 Write love letters to her,

 Go to the end of the earth and back again

 for her.

 

 HOW TO IMPRESS A ITALIAN MAN:

 

 Show up naked,

 Bring Beer.


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"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy, "Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

 "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

 After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"  

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

 "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run

 upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle

 Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

 "Okay, Daddy!"  A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

 "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."  "And what happened?"

 "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around

 screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the steps and

 she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

 "Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"

 "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and

 he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have

 forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he

 hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.

 He may be dead too."  There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?"

 Is this 854-7039?"


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The Funeral:

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man

walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."


  

 

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