Features Golf Jokes, Eighteen holes of golf, Two golfers meet in the
clubhouse bar. First one asks the other how his round was."Terrible!"
replied the other. "I was playing with Charlie and everything was
going fine until the 12th green, when Charlie suddenly dropped dead of a
After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in
a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation
with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each
other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they
made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something
awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to
ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession
to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a
beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two
hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry
scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten
years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. Even at this distance he
can tell it's not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he can see
it's not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he knows it's not even a
raft. Finally, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.
She walks right up to the guy and says, "Stranded eh? How long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he
says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve
and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a
long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips
the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it
to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
She starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her
wet suit and asks, "And how long has it been since you've had some
REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got
golf clubs in there!"
A man is out on the golf course enjoying his day off. He
takes a swing at the ball and he slices off the fareway and into the rough
into a patch of buttercups. He walks over, eyes the ball, and pulls out
his iron preparing to hit it out of the patch. Suddenly he stops in mid
swing and thinks to himself "nah...I think ill spare all these nice
looking buttercups" and he picks up his ball and throws it into the
fareway so as not to damage the buttercups.
In a mystic type aura on a magical breeze, Mother Nature wisks over.
Surprised, the man says, "Who are you?" "I am Mother
Nature" she replies. "and for saving my precious buttercups, I
am granting you an unlimited supply of butter."
The man huffs and retorts, "Oh, thats real cool...where were you
yesterday when I hit it in the patch of pussy willows?"
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive
golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the
husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't
knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I
told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there,
apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice
say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over
the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the
couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that
was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm
allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep
the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No
problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the
genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world,"
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I
haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did
get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't
care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the
wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's
Seems there were three friends that always wanted to play golf on
Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of there wives. One day after many
years they finally get together for a game of golf and are waiting at the
first tee when the first guy says: "I had to buy my wife a diamond
necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing I had to buy my wife a new
sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third guy says, "Boy you guys are sure whipped. I didn't have
to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and said, "How did you manage that?"
He replied, "It was easy. When I got up this morning I looked her
straight in the eye and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse?' She threw me a
sweater and said, 'Take this. It's cold out there!'"
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he
goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball
onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where
the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water,
and its his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water,
also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and
swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the
fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into
Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit
messing around and play golf?"
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through
and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited
for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared dishoveled,
bloody,and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find
his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over
and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of
the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does
this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.
A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and
Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but
his wife had insisted.
On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit.
While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and
hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his
ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.
At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr.
Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which
was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really
"What is it?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball
lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the
doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"
A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I
The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the
hard wooden bench.
You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first
tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into
"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.
"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a
clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel
scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up
"That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the
tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its
talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the
squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the
"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said
The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking
An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at
the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts
his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds
a telephone conversation.
When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's
the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb
and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone
ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a
conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the
other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A
chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my
spine. Ah the wonders of German knowhow!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese
fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American
look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the
middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down
around his ankles.
"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.
The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax".
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9
Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from
the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What
do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." The guy
takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't
know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las
Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies,
"Ribbit, $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to
win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of
cash comes sliding back across them table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves
it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the
wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice up" can usually be translated to "lousy
putt. "Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated
"way to miss an easy one".
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust yours
core to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find
the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of
curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" At this he
gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but
warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life. After a
short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of
golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends
every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he
manages to get to and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds
himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity
he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all
over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how
many times did you have sex last year?"