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MarkThiSpot.com, Features Golf Jokes, Eighteen holes of golf, Two golfers meet in the clubhouse bar. First one asks the other how his round was."Terrible!" replied the other. "I was playing with Charlie and everything was going fine until the 12th green, when Charlie suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack."

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Back To Joke Page.

Two golfers meet in the clubhouse bar. First one asks the other how his round was.

"Terrible!" replied the other. "I was playing with Charlie and everything was going fine until the 12th green, when Charlie suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack."

"Why, that's horrible," said the first.

"Yeah," said the other. "And from then on, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."


During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.

From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"


Back To Joke Page.

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"


Back To Joke Page.

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. Even at this distance he can tell it's not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he can see it's not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he knows it's not even a raft. Finally, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She walks right up to the guy and says, "Stranded eh? How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

She starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and asks, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"


Back To Joke Page.

A man is out on the golf course enjoying his day off. He takes a swing at the ball and he slices off the fareway and into the rough into a patch of buttercups. He walks over, eyes the ball, and pulls out his iron preparing to hit it out of the patch. Suddenly he stops in mid swing and thinks to himself "nah...I think ill spare all these nice looking buttercups" and he picks up his ball and throws it into the fareway so as not to damage the buttercups.

In a mystic type aura on a magical breeze, Mother Nature wisks over. Surprised, the man says, "Who are you?" "I am Mother Nature" she replies. "and for saving my precious buttercups, I am granting you an unlimited supply of butter."
The man huffs and retorts, "Oh, thats real cool...where were you yesterday when I hit it in the patch of pussy willows?"


Back To Joke Page.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."


Back To Joke Page.

Seems there were three friends that always wanted to play golf on Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of there wives. One day after many years they finally get together for a game of golf and are waiting at the first tee when the first guy says: "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing I had to buy my wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third guy says, "Boy you guys are sure whipped. I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"

They both looked at him and said, "How did you manage that?"

He replied, "It was easy. When I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse?' She threw me a sweater and said, 'Take this. It's cold out there!'"


Back To Joke Page.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.

Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and its his ball out onto the green.

Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.

Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?"


Back To Joke Page.

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared dishoveled, bloody,and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.


Back To Joke Page.

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit.
While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."

"What is it?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"


Back To Joke Page.

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.

"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.

"No, no.."

The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"


Back To Joke Page.

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have
a telephone conversation.

When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German knowhow!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.

"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax".


Back To Joke Page.

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"


Back To Joke Page.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."


Back To Joke Page.

The Basic Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice up" can usually be translated to "lousy putt. "Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one".

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust yours core to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.


Back To Joke Page.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life. After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Well for a priest with a small parish....."


 

 

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