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If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the originalmanufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingrediments, you're told that is proprietary and refereed to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

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If Operating Systems were Chickens

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !

Cray/SGI Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

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COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

BeOS Chicken: Multiple chickens can cross faster than a single chicken can from another coop. (Except the Cray/SGI chicken, of course;-)...)

Copland Chicken: Keeps trying to cross the road, but continues to run back to the original side. Maybe it will cross sometime next year...

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If an O/S Ran Your Airline

DOS Airline:

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airline:

The same thing - with more leg room to push.

MAC Airline:

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

OS/2 Airline:

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Airline:

The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Win NT Airline:

Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.

Unix Airline:

Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building.

Mach Airline:

There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them they have arrived.

Newton Airline:

After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your eat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

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Laptop Model Number 36-24-36 S/N 69

Color options: White with pink trim, black with pink trim, brown with pink trim, red with pink trim, black with pink trim, and yellow with pink trim.

Built in features: Plug and play capabilities, hard drive plug-in ports, Can handle floppies as well. Can be used right side up, upside down or on its side. It is waterproof and can be plugged in under water. Numerous ports for variety of hardware or software. Almost seems to have a mind of it's own. Port holes can be used as finger sockets and unit can be carried like a bowling ball if it becomes unusable. Can be turned on by digital control. Some units prefer write protected floppies as opposed to floppies that may unintentionally install a new program.

Optional equipment: Can handle any size hard drive installed. Like all computers, the more RAM's installed, the faster it works. Also can handle joy sticks and flexible applications. Needs oiling once in a while for smoother operation. Comes with a jar of Vaseline good for several applications. Comes with built in box in which hard drives and floppies can be stored.

Memory: Usually good, but sometimes selective. Can handle several installed hard drives as well as plug ins. Takes up to 10 gigabites easily.

Reliability: Seems to go down a lot. The longer it is connected the better it seems to run. Some interfaces are a bit fuzzy. When disconnected and set aside and neglected for a while it may be harder to start up again. Temperamental and can blow up for no known reason. It is fun to play games on. You will find yourself all wrapped up with this unit. If any of the plug-in ports are stuck closed, some alcohol may get them loose. Be careful not to use too much alcohol however, as laptop may either go into sleep mode or operate erotically.

Noise level: Whines quite often. Difficult to control audio output and volume. Sometimes makes gurgling noises when overloaded. Features overused nag screens to remind you of things you should do or forgot to do.

Warnings: Use of another owner's laptop could be a health hazard. Do not use laptop more than five hours at a time as you may find yourself tired, weak and experience a limp feeling. Use anti-virus protection softwear.

Miscellaneous: You will find this unit attractive and fun to use. Very addictive. Very user friendly and provides good hands on experience for new users of laptops.

Cost: Unit is expensive to own. May cost a fortune to recycle. Can pedal it on open market by word of mouth on how easy it is to use but you must be as convincing as a used car salesman. Leaving it on display at a tavern is often a good way to have it stolen away. Sometimes a laptop can be used before purchase on trial basis.

It is much less expensive to rent at $50.00 an hour.

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IN THE BEGINNING

(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said: Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet, God.

#Enter user password

:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!

#Enter user password

:Omnipotent.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!

#Enter user password

:Technocrat.

#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again!

:Create light.

#Done.

:Run heaven and earth.

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and

#Unrecognizable command! Try again!

:Create firmament.

#Done.

:Run firmament.

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.

:Create dryland.

#Done!

:Run dryland.

#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.

#Unspecified type. Try again!

:Create sunmoonstars.

#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

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#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish.

#Done.

:Create fowl.

#Done.

:Run fish'nfowl.

#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle.

#Done.

:Create creepy things.

#Done.

:Now let us make man in our image.

#Unspecified type! Try again.

:Create man.

#Done.

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air
and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.

#Too many command operands! Try again.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

:Insert breath.

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#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden.

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Gard.En.

#Done.

:Move man to Gard.En.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

:Insert woman into man.

#Illegal parameters. Try again!

:Insert man into woman.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

:Create desire.

#Done.

:Run multiplication.

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#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create freewill.

#Done.

:Run freewill.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Undo desire.

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help!

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create Treeofknowledge.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create good'nevil.

#Done.

:Activate evil.

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En. #1
errors.

:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!

:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Search failed.

:Delete shame.

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#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

:Stop!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Break
:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF.

:Create new world.

#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth.

#Destroy earth. Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed.

#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8
AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God he had zero funds remaining.

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Micro Meets Mini & they Compute

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgments although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.

Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

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What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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Nerdity Test

All persons are assumed to be initially 0% nerd - up until the time that
the Nerdity Test is taken. If someone is asked to take the Nerdity Test and
refuses for any reason (especially if trying to preserve their 0% nerd
status) that person's score should then be altered to 100% (you'd have to
be really nerdy to be that antisocial.)
For each question on the exam that you answer yes - add 0.5% (200 questions
total). We recommend that you merely make dashes on a piece of paper for
each question you answer affirmatively. Count these dash marks and divide
by two.
This is your percent nerdity.
Some questions have examples listed after them in parenthesis. These are to
be taken as examples and not an all inclusive list.
ALL technicalities count.
Also, since nerdity is NOT a permanent condition, some of the questions
reflect
this. Anything labeled "are you currently." "do you know." as opposed to
"have you ever." etc. should be taken in the context of when the test is
actually being given. Thus, if you know something nerdy now, and forget it
by the time you take this test again, your nerdity score will go down.

Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book.
Show all work. A table of useful formulas is included at the end.
SECTION 1: EDUCATION AND KNOWLEDGE
_____ 1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)

_____ 2. at the college level?
_____ 3. and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
_____ 4. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
_____ 5. at the college level?
_____ 6. and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
_____ 7. Are you still capable of doing things you learned in the "higher" math course?
_____ 8. Do you still know information you learned in the science course?
_____ 9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics, chemistry, exclude psychology, economics, etc.)
_____ 10. Have you ever taken Latin?
_____ 11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
_____ 12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
_____ 13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
_____ 14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
_____ 15. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
_____ 16. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
_____ 17. Do you take notes in more than one color?
_____ 18. Have you ever tutored someone else?
_____ 19. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
_____ 20. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
_____ 21. Do you know BASIC?
_____ 22. Do you know PASCAL?
_____ 23. Do you know FORTRAN?
_____ 24. Do you know an assembly language?
_____ 25. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
_____ 26. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
_____ 27. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
_____ 28. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
_____ 29. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
_____ 30. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
_____ 31. Do you know the Latin name (genus, species) for anything? (humans, fruitfly...)

The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that
you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of
the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
_____ 32. Gravitational Constant? (G)
_____ 33. Earth's Gravity? (G)
_____ 34. Mass Of An Electron?
_____ 35. Charge Of An Electron?
_____ 36. Speed Of Light?
_____ 37. Planck's Constant? (H Or H-Bar)
_____ 38. Permitivity Of Free Space? (Epsilon Naught)
_____ 39. Permeability Of Free Space? (Mu Naught)
_____ 40. Avogadro's Number?
_____ 41. Molar Gas Constant?
_____ 42. Pi? (Exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)
_____ 43. E? (Exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)

Can you give the conversion factor between (2 or more significant digits)?
_____ 44. centimeters and inches?
_____ 45. kilometers and miles?
_____ 46. joules and electron-volts?
_____ 47. atomic mass units and kilograms?
_____ 48. Celsius and Kelvin?
_____ 49. Celsius and Fahrenheit?

_____ 50. Can you briefly outline the biological processes that occur
due to alcohol?
_____ 51. while drunk?
_____ 52. Have you ever interpolated?
_____ 53. Have you ever extrapolated?
_____ 54. Do you know the difference between interpolation and
extrapolation?
_____ 55. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
_____ 56. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
_____ 57. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
_____ 58. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?

Which of the following acronyms do you know the meaning of..
_____ 59. RADAR?
_____ 60. MODEM?
_____ 61. DNA?
_____ 62. ATP?
_____ 63. NADP?
_____ 64. CRT?
_____ 65. CRC?
_____ 66. NORAD?
_____ 67. NASA?
_____ 68. .LED? (see question 56)
_____ 69. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?

SECTION 2: LIFESTYLE AND POSSESSIONS
_____ 70. Have you ever used a computer?
_____ 71. for more than 4 hours continuously?
_____ 72. for more than 8 hours continuously?
_____ 73. past 4 a.m.?
_____ 74 on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
_____ 75. with someone you were physically attracted toward?
_____ 76. for money?
_____ 77. as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
_____ 78. in the last three months?
_____ 79. in the last three weeks?
_____ 80. Have you ever programmed a computer?
_____ 81. to write a computer game?
_____ 82. to write a computer virus?
_____ 83. Do you still own any computer with less than 512K RAM?
_____ 84. Have you ever used a modem?
_____ 85. to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?

_____ 86. to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD)
_____ 87. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day in the last week?
_____ 88. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.: A&E, Discovery Channel)
_____ 89. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
_____ 90. in the last three weeks?
_____ 91. Have you ever watched Dr. Who?
_____ 92. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?

Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to the following?
_____ 93. Gilligan's Island?
_____ 94. Flintstones?
_____ 95. The Brady Bunch?
_____ 96. The Jetson's?
_____ 97. The Addam's Family?
_____ 98. Dobie Gillis?
_____ 99. I Dream of Jeannie?
_____ 100. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
_____ 101. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
_____ 102. since leaving high school?
_____ 103. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
_____ 104. in one 24 hour period?
_____ 105. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
_____ 106. in one 30 hour period?
_____ 107. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears?

Have you ever read anything by..
_____ 108. Douglas Adams?
_____ 109. Isaac Asimov?
_____ 110. Robert H. Heinlein?
_____ 111. Piers Anthony?
_____ 112. J.R.R. Tolkein?
_____ 113. TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
_____ 114. Have you ever read "Innumeracy"?
_____ 115. Have you ever read "Cultural-Literacy"?
_____ 116. Do you own an encyclopedia?
_____ 117. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
_____ 118. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
_____ 119. Do you own an atlas?
_____ 120. Do you own a globe?
_____ 121. and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf..)
_____ 122. that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
_____ 123. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
_____ 124. since the age of 13?
_____ 125. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
_____ 126. Have you ever dissected something?
_____ 127. while not involved in a biology class?
_____ 128. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
_____ 129. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
_____ 130. Have you ever used a microscope?
_____ 131. Have you ever used a telescope?
_____ 132. Do you own a voltmeter?
_____ 133. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
_____ 134. Can you program the time on a VCR?
_____ 135. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
_____ 136. Have you ever faxed something?
_____ 137. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
_____ 138. Do you own a nonstandard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
_____ 139. Do you have a slide rule?
_____ 140. and now how to use it?
_____ 141. Do you own a pencil case?
_____ 142. Do you own a mechanical pencil?
_____ 143. and have refills for it?
_____ 144. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
_____ 145. Do you own any graph paper? (quadruled)
_____ 146. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
_____ 147. Do you own a table of integrals?
_____ 148. Do you play chess?
_____ 149. Were you ever on a chess team?
_____ 150. Were you ever on a math team?
_____ 151. Were you ever on a debate team?
_____ 152. Did you ever try out for a "trivia team"? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
_____ 153. Were you ever in a science fair?
_____ 154. that you placed in the top three?
_____ 155. Have you ever made a technical joke?
_____ 156. that no one around you understood?
_____ 157. that everyone around you understood?
_____ 158. Do you own a slinky?
_____ 159 Have you ever analyzed a slinky physically?
_____ 160. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
_____ 161. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
_____ 162. without using the book?
_____ 163. in less than two minutes?

SECTION 3: CLOTHING AND PERSONALITY
_____ 164. Do your socks NOT match?
_____ 165. Do you own a digital watch?
_____ 166. that plays music?
_____ 167. that's currently set to chime on the hour?
_____ 168. that has a calculator built in?
_____ 169. Do you have acne?
_____ 170. Do you have greasy hair?
_____ 171. without realizing it?
_____ 172. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (T-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
_____ 173. Are your pants too short?
_____ 174. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
_____ 175. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
_____ 176. Are you socially inept?
_____ 177. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
_____ 178. but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#, address)
_____ 179. Are you taking this test alone?
_____ 180. Did you NOT go to your Senior Prom?
_____ 181. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
_____ 182. Do you talk to yourself?
_____ 183. when other people are around?
_____ 184. Do you talk to imaginary people?
_____ 185. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
_____ 186. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
_____ 187. while not drunk?
_____ 188. while alone?
_____ 189. Do you wear glasses?
_____ 190. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
_____ 191. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
_____ 192. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
_____ 193. Do you own a pocket protector?
_____ 194. and are wearing it?
_____ 195. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
_____ 196. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
_____ 197. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
_____ 198. Is your purity test score higher than your nerdity test score?
_____ 199. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
_____ 200. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?

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